Friday, June 19, 2009
<<< RELAPSED >>> :(
As you've been reading in my last several entries, I've continued to report the continual UTI's and extreme exhaustion I've been having. I know I sound like a broken record. I had an appt with Dr. Nair yesterday and and we discussed the results of my last "send away to the lab" bloodwork that indicates how my MM is currently behaving and its been a bad bad girl. He was sorry to report that my MM numbers have increased significantly, to the point that I am in total relapse mode at this time. I was lowered on the Rev mg b/c the 25mg just crashed all my blood levels, to the point of even requiring that blood transfusion, so I was lowered to 15 mg. because we had no choice. I guess the 15 mg are inadequate to keep this aggressive form of cancer under control, but we know what the 25 mg did to me, so that's not really an option. You can't heal when your blood numbers are so low. This was devastating news to me yesterday, although I had a sneaky suspicion that something was wrong, because I was getting these recurrent UTI's.....with little break in between them. Something was wrong.....right? I must say though, the MM number came back yesterday is over that 25% "semi-comfortable we can control this" range. So now, I look back and think......WE went through all that misery of the BMT and in all reality I only got 10 months cancer free. Was it all worth it? I don't know. Having this disease just thrusts your life into unimaginable places, takes you places you never dreamed of being, and the only thing I can do, and manage is things I DO have control over. (Insert Serenity Prayer here) Thinking along those lines, I can control my diet, I can control taking my meds, I can control keeping doctor appts. and tests and treatments, and I can control the way I handle this emotionally and spiritually. Those I see as all I CAN control in this situation. For anybody out there that has "control issues", this is not the disease to get! LOL The bottom line right now is that we agreed I will be placed on ANOTHER form of chemotherapy in addition to the oral chemo and dex I am currently on. The new chemo is called Velcade, which I have researched, and it does have reports of many positive results. What I don't like (besides all of this) is this new chemo is ONLY IV.....shit.....it is 2x a week (mon and thur for me) and about a 3 hour infusion (could be worse). I will do this for 2 weeks in a row and then have a 10 day break and continue on this schedule. The long term plan is if I respond to this positively, we'll stay on this for a year, and then repeat all bloodwork, scans, tests etc....the whole shebang and see where I am at that point. The prayers go up for positive results for the addition of Velcade and that I don't experience the side effects that are possible for this strong chemo. I'm not a big "side effects" person as a general rule, so I hope that my luck holds out for this drug as well. I feel so betrayed by my body right now.......angry....hurt.....resentful.....and I know I need to feel these emotions and then let them go. My usual behavior is to sit with them for a few days, process them and then move on. I just found out all this yesterday, so I'll need a few days, but I know I'll be ok. I have faith this will work. I have faith that I will get well. I know I am in good hands with a doctor that does not put me on the back burner and has my back. I am stubborn and I am strong. The possible scenarios could be much worse, so I am thankful I have medical options, even beyond Velcade. I received an email from a friend of mine a few days ago and it was like a funny but true list of things old age teaches you and one of them said....... "If we threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back". It made me laugh, because of the stinging truth. So that leaves me with........this sucks.....I hate it...but, I will survive.