Happy Birthday to Me.......

Hi Everyone
Well today, August 28th, is my Birthday! Up until now....I'd say from hitting 30, birthdays became more of a nuisance than anything else. In my 20's it was "Whoa.....let's go PARTY".....in my 30's it was "Let's invite the family and some friends over for a BBQ".............in my 40's it was "AHHHH....no big deal, let's just go grab a bite to eat (if that) LOL........and the 50's well it was "Let's start counting backwards!" However, in light of recent events I believe it's come full circle and back to the 20's mentality of "Let's PARTY". I have EVERY reason in the world to begin actually CELEBRATING my Birthdays now. I never thought I'd give Birthdays another thought really. C'mon....it just means we're getting older and more wrinkly and lots of other fun stuff, but NOW I am more than happy to rejoice in and celebrate the fact that I have lived for a whole additional year. Please embrace my philosophy friends. You are here. You have a life and no matter what shitty thing may be going on in it right this minute, well, nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. Live each day to its fullest. Stop and smell the flowers. Look for the positive and lessons in all things. See what birthdays do for me now? LOL Another milestone in my life worth giving a second glance at. On top of this, I had a Doctor Nair appt yesterday and my numbers have never looked better! Yay for my blood! (I'd pat in on the back, but it keeps moving). My beautiful white blood cells are WAY in the normal range. My red blood cells are just a titch under normal and those sweet little platelets of mine went from 114 last week to 128 this week. I had to have my once a month IV session yesterday but it seemed to go rather quickly and I didn't even get to read the whole paper before I was done. Dr. Nair said I have "graduated" to only seeing him once a month now, but will go in every other week for bloodwork. Kinda crazy when I think that pretty much every second of every day has been basically accounted for for at least the last year and a half of my life and now the reins have loosened. Kinda scary and kinda not. I'll write a whole new blog one of these days about how I feel about that. So today I got an email Birthday from my wonderful friend Colleen, who I can't believe she remembered my birthday after all these years, I got another email from my sis-in-law Kathy and my sissie Kate has sent me 5....count em.....5.....birthday cards!! I haven't talked to her yet today, but know she'll call later on. Got a call from my brother Greg to wish me a Happy Birthday and also a call from my step dad Van. And of course Ashley told me first thing this morning and Linz called from Gainesville. Linz, Anthony and Kevin will be here at some point tomorrow from moving her butt from the apt in G'ville to here, so we plan on going out to my favorite restaurant tomorrow night. In the meantime I've been really busy cleaning up my garage to make room for her stuff to be here, as we are going to have a massive garage sale the 1st weekend in Sept to get rid of it all. The garage was a royal mess as I see it as a GIANT purse and just throw stuff in it for years so you can imagine the mess it was and how disorganized! Whateve doesn't sell will be donated to the American Cancer Society's local thrift shop here. It's all good stuff, just not what we want and I really do want my garage back so I can set up a studio for making beads and jewelry out there, as the bedroom is getting a bit crowded with all my supplies! I promise to take some photos soon and post them. Peace to all

It was time for a Reality Check..... I guess......

My usual routine in the morning, is to start the coffee and go down and get the newspaper. Now, up until about a few weeks ago, I would literally read the paper, front to back. Really. Lately though I've just been "perusing" the paper ( I love when I get to use big people words).....hee hee, because I've been eager to get a jump on making beads and jewelry. But today was different, and I don't know why. I wanted to read the whole paper. Front to back. So I got my cup of java and settled in. Now we come to the part of my Reality Check......I suppose. You know how the Universe works..... sometimes it sends slap you in the face messages you can't ignore. Other times, it just sends oh- so -subtle hints and it's up to you whether to pursue them or not. So this morning I'm reading the paper and in the local section as I'm turning the pages a photo caught my eye and it was in the Obituary section. Now, I know I said I read the paper front to back but the Obits are not part of my regular reading habits! But here on this page I see a photo of a woman, youngish.....(and that gets determined the older I get!)..........and when you see a photo of someone say ,under 60, it does tend to catch your eye. So I read her obituary and it said, and I quote, "she lost her war with a rare blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma". I started to cry. And cry. Here was this beautiful woman with 2 younger kids, she was 44 yo, and she had been battling MM for 2 years and lost the war. Wow. I usually never really think about my cancer. I know that sounds kinds weird, but I really don't. Sure....I have to go to the doctor's 1x a week right now, so that's always a big fat reminder of course, but it's been 10 weeks since my Bone Marrow Transplant and it's kinda like having a baby. You forget how horrid and painful it was as time goes by. It's almost like it was a really bad dream at this point (although I have photos and video that tells me otherwise). So, I guess my roundabout point to all this rambling, is that seeing the obituary of a beautiful young woman who died from the same disease I have, made me do some re-assessing. Is the Universe telling me to stop doing something that would make me healthier and give me more tools to fight MM? Or is there something more I could be doing to gather more tools? Or was it just a heads up to remember that I am living with this disease and be grateful and thankful I am still here. I'm hoping it's the latter and although extremely grateful I survived the BMT (people do die from them), perhaps I need to further pursue my gratefulness. One thing I have decided is that when this jewelry/beadmaking business gets in the black, I will be donating a portion of the proceeds to either the International Myeloma Foundation or the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of the Moffitt Cancer Center. Ultimately I would love to start a foundation of sorts that helps people monetarily cover expenses that come with a transplant. This I thought of a while ago when Dawn, one of my nurses at Dr. Nair's office, told me about a patient that could not have a BMT because he had no one that could stay with him for the required month when you do it outpatient. He had family, but when people live paycheck to paycheck, or have little kids or whatever the reason may be, no one can afford to take off a month of work and still make their bills. See how lucky and fortunate I am?? I had 2 people who were with me 24/7......Mom and Kate. See what I mean when I say I could NEVER have done this without them? So that makes me think, this poor guy can't be the only person out there who can't have a transplant he needs to give him a shot of living just because there is no one to care for him? Who said life's fair, huh? Insurance doesn't cover stuff like this so having a foundation that would hire someone specifically to stay with someone like him or pay the family's lost wages when they are taking care of the sick person is how I would want monies to help. There is SO MUCH money needed when you have a life threatening illness, you have no idea unless you've been there. My personal bank account just disappeared right before my eyes in the last 1 1/2 years, so I know what it's like. I'll stop here as I know I'm on a tear right now.....that obit shook me up. Not too many people have this disease.....why of all days was today I decided to read the whole paper when I haven't in at least the last few weeks?........and the 44 yo woman DIED. I got some more thinkin' to do, and I am grateful I'm here to do it. Peace

Fay Fay Go Away.....

Howdy folks........wow is the rain coming down here or what? Tropical Storm Fay has overstayed her welcome here and it actually wasn't so bad yesterday, a little rain and some wind, but today.....LOTS of rain and LOTS of wind. I just keep sayin a little prayer the electricity won't go out!! We've had some flickers where you had to reset all the clocks in the house, but I really hate when the electricity goes down. Bummer, so keep your fingers crossed!! The weather outside is the exact opposite of how I feel on the inside. What a contradiction. I'm sitting here with my IPOD clock thingie turned up full blast, making jewelry and having the best time. The rain pounding and the wind whooshing is a really cool sound when you think about. I like these kinds of days sometimes. We turned the AC down really low in case it goes out, so the house will stay cooler longer if it does. So I'm sitting here listening right now to Eric Clapton singing "Cocaine". Does life get any better than this? It's cold inside which I love (except for the Florida Power bill), I'm surrounded with beautiful beads and such, some my own creation and I'm also using lots of broken up vintage beads to incorporate into my designs, the artistic juices are flowing and I'm listening to probably the best music EVER created. Thank the Lord for the 70's classic rock and roll, that's all I gotta say! Life is good people......no matter what is going on in your life.....you are here to experience it.......that's all I'm saying. Peace

Just Checkin' In......

Hey everyone, how's it going for you? I have had a pretty busy week, so that's why no posts since last week. Last weekend the family went to Gainesville to see Lindsay graduate from the University of Florida. YAY!!! The ceremony was beautiful, Linz looked gorgeous, and a great time was had by all. After the ceremony, we all went out to eat at this Asian Fusion restaurant and I had the best shrimp thing for dinner. I'd like some right now actually! I've been watching the Olympics, but of course the one sport I love to watch has been relegated to starting around 1:00 AM, and that's of course, softball, so I've been taping and watching it the next day. I've also decided to make the big jump into starting my own jewelry business, since my bead making endeavor has been going really well. I get compliments when I wear my stuff and I made some things for my sister and her friend Steph, and they also tell me they are getting compliments. I'm gonna start small and go to a Arts/Crafts Festival locally and see how well the "public" likes my things, and then go from there. Kind of a riot huh, that I am only 9 weeks out from a bone marrow transplant, really not knowing if I'll live or die from this dreaded cancer, and here I am hoping to start my own business. What a hoot I am! I wonder what I think sometimes! Kate said she sees it as very life affirming and positive, so I'm gonna go with that! I'll take some photos soon and post them and I'd like your feedback too. Be honest.....you won't hurt my feelings :) So that's why I've been pretty busy this week, getting ready for the show and being out of town. I had an appt yesterday with the doc's office......didn't see him, that's next week....just did the blood thing with of course my favorite person, Tonya, and guess what?? The ole platelets have moved up again, so all's still looking pretty good. The whites and reds are still a wee bit below normal, but hey, I'm still recovering and we'll give them time. They are just below the normal range though, so nothing to get excited about. Guess that's it for now. Talk to you in a few days!

Yippee Yi Yo Yi Yay.....

Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar.......all for Jan's Platelets, stand up and Holler!! As you can probably tell I went to Dr. Nair today and had the usual bloodwork done, and lo and behold, the platelets are comin in at 107! Last week as you'll recall they registered a lousy 71 on the platelet report card, having been in the hundreds since I had been home. My oh so smart doctor, thought it may be the the medication to prevent shingles, and that's why he makes the big bucks folks, he was right! That's a heavy load off my mind to have them back at somewhat closer to the normal range. So I'm to stay off the meds for another week, and see what the numbers are then. If they're still OK then I'll start back on the med, taking it once a day instead of twice like I had been doing. All in all, whites are still a bit low and so are the reds, but nothing to get concerned about, just the normal fluctuations we expect. So yay for my platelets......way to go little guys :) And yes, I do talk to my body quite alot......trying to be as complementary as possible, but when I have an issue with it, I am diplomatic but forceful about correcting itself. Somebody has to keep this Multiple Myeloma in line! Well, just wanted to give you the latest result. Now I'm gonna go pack for my weekend in Gainesville, to see my baby graduate from the #1 Party School!! I wonder if that's written on the diploma anywhere? I'll read it carefully and let you know :)

The Moon or Something.......

Is it a summer equinox? Are we having an eclipse I don't know about? The reason I ask is that although I have been very busy today, I have this underlying philosophical thread running through my brain. Perhaps it is leftover chemo or maybe just the Universe sending me some sort of message that I need to rummage through some cereal boxes and see if there is one of those "decoder rings" they used to give as a prize so I can figure it out! I've written a bunch of thoughts down in my trusty notebook, my maybe one day will turn into a book of essays on Living with Cancer, but for the time being, I'm just going to log them in my notebook......give them a once over after a day or two to see if they make sense.......and then I'll share them with you.

Helen Keller......

While reading some things the other day,I came across a quote by Helen Keller. Now, I don't think ANYONE would argue that this woman is the epitome of determination. The quote from her reads: " Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved." Wow.....if only I could be so profound! This quote really stopped me in my tracks and caused me to think very deeply (ouch.....my brain hurts cuz I got no hair to cushion it!) So I get to thinking, dangerous I know, that each and every one of us must be so dang strong because all of us in our own ways have lived through trials and suffering. Some really really BIG stuff and some not so big, but none the less has caused a blip in our lives as a lesson for us, big or small. Is it to appreciate good health? Is it to learn to blow off the little daily irritations? Is it to enjoy family and friends? We each have our own lessons to learn, some we have to learn all by ourselves, and others we learn in the company of others.

The Graduation Party......

Last weekend Lindsay's Dad, Kevin, threw her a "Graduation from University of Florida" Party. Here's where I say>>>GO GATORS! It was a quick trip for Mom and I since we didn't leave till Sat. morning, got there about noon, hung out at Kate's where I saw Bonnie, who I hadn't seen in quite some time (good to see you Bon..you look great!), and then got dressed and headed to Kevin's house for the big shindig. Kevin and Ashley did an awesome job decorating the house and patio, all with the good ole Orange and Blue and there, of course, was tons of food and anything you could have possibly wanted to drink. There were lots of people there.......some I knew and some I didn't. I have to say I haven't been to a party in quite some time, and I had such a GREAT time. The best part was seeing people I hadn't seen in almost 20 years!! Everyone looked good and I was just the social butterfly flitted from one person to the next and playing catch-up with all these people I used to hang out with all the time. My favorite person to see, who I hadn't seen in so long, was my friend Colleen. Colleen, you look exactly like you did the day we met so long ago and I was so happy to see you and Chrystal. Colleen and I go way back to when the kids were about 2 or so....Linz wasn't even born yet and and Colleen is her God-Mother. We lost track in some way and now have reconnected for which I am so grateful. I must say that of all the times we have spent together with and without the kids, that we BOTH have a particular snapshot of a time etched in our memory, was amazing to me. When I started to talk about it, you finished my sentence!! I was surprised, and yet not, in some way, as we always had a spiritual connection too. I also of course, loved seeing my Mother in Law and my 2 nieces Kristy and Pepper along of course with my sis in law, Kathy. She has come to visit me since I've been back from Moffitt and was going to be one of my primary caregivers when we thought I was going to come home sick. Luckily, I didn't need her for that, but always enjoy her company and visits. All in all, everyone had a great time and I can't believe my baby is graduating. More on that and "The Move" later when I am out of denial :)

The Mind is a Wondrous Thing....

Some people have a great memory and some people have a bad memory. Which is the best to have? Why do they differ from person to person? I'm blessed with a horrible memory, and always have been. It has nothing to do with "chemo brain" either. I use the word "blessed" because in many ways it is a blessing. The "bad stuff" in life doesn't really stick with me, but on the down side, lots of fun and happy memories aren't there either. Oh sure, I can remember lots of stuff, I haven't lost my mind completely!! But all in all, I think having a bad memory overall, allows me to really live "one day at a time" and not worry about lots of stuff, because it just doesn't stay in my brain long enough to stir things up and cause trouble. On the other hand, if you have one of those terrific memories and remember EVERYTHING, then can you ever really "let go" and live each day to it's fullest because you are just stuffed with so many memories, both good and bad, that it seems to me it interferes in the present. I'm just sayin.... I really don't know which one is the best to have, but I think I'll continue to say "blessed" when talking about my bad memory. I'd much rather not hang on to past hurts (real or imagined) and dwell on things my memory may drag to the surface, when I can live each new day brand new and not drag old shit into it. I'm just sayin.... Well, yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of my BMT and I went to the doctors for the usual bloodwork and checkup. My bloodwork that's done in the office all came back pretty good except for my platelets which by the numbers of 2 weeks ago I reported they were damn near the normal range and so yesterday I was expecting to hit the mark. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG.......I hate this disease. I hate cancer. Last week my platelet level was 138, and 140 is the beginning of the normal range. Well, yesterday, it measures 71!! When Dawn, my nurse, gave me the results I said, "oh no, this can't be right, 2 weeks ago I was 138." She said well I can get more blood if you think it's ot right, maybe it clotted or something and that can change the results. So again I get stuck for a blood draw and it came back again at 71. So I'm pretty bummed and told Dr. Nair that and he said that if my hematacrit had also been low he would be concerned, but the Acyclovir medication I'm on to prevent shingles (which is easy for BMT patients to acquire because our immune systems are still growing) can cause it to screw around with my platelet levels. When I asked why so good 2 weeks ago and now so low, he said that actually the last number was surprisingly high and 71 is the more accurate number since the platelets are the last to become normal. So he's tending to think it's the medication, so I'm to stop taking it as of last night for a week and we'll re-do my bloodwork next week. I'm trying not to become overly anxious about it, but see the hold cancer has on you? When you finally get to a point where you're feeling good, not dog ass tired like you have been for over a year, you get a new interest and are having fun again, you go on short trips and have fun....getting back to normal really, then all of the sudden.....BAM>>>>>JAN, DON'T FORGET YOU HAVE CANCER. It just pisses me off. You try to forget about the ugly monster that's trying to take over your life, and you let your guard down and start to be normal, and then in some way, shape or form, you're reminded of it's presence. Oh well, lesson learned. I'll have to keep my guard up at all times and learn to create a balance between living life normally DESPITE having cancer. Cancer Sucks.

Still Here.....

Sorry I haven't written lately, I''ve just been so busy lately with making beads, and then stringing them into necklaces, keychains and other fun stuff, that the day is gone before I know it! I also wasn't here over the weekend as we made a quick trip to West Palm for Lindsay's Graduation Party thrown by her Dad, Kevin. More details on the party later, but I do want to make another trip down south to get together with some High School friends I haven't seen in awhile and to also get together with some other people I saw at the Party. And of course to visit my sissie and family too!!! Now that I have the go-ahead to be "normal"......watch out is all I'm sayin!! I still feel pretty dang good, just some fatigue but not as bad as when I was on chemo. It's hard to believe that just 7 short weeks ago I was in the Moffitt Cancer Hospital for a Bone Marrow Transplant, and not even 2 months later I feel so good!! This Thursday will be my 2 month mark and I see Dr. Nair for bloodwork so we'll see how the numbers look then. I'll keep you posted. This is short and sweet, I know, but I promise to give you all the details in a few days, as I am waiting for a new torch head to arrive, so making beads won't take up so much time, at least for the next 3 days or so. Stay tuned!! Oh yeah, be sure to look at the Party Photos I've just posted :)

Tired and Bowling..............

The dogs woke me up at 6:15 am barking their fool heads off. I'm the kind of person, sorry to say, that once I come out of that certain depth of sleep there is NO WAY I'm going back to sleep. I hate that. I've always been that way and probably always will be. I've always been so jealous of people that can sleep through anything. And no matter what.......once I'm up , I'm up and I also have NEVER been able to take a nap when it's daylight. I have tried over the years, believe me, because some days I have been so dog ass tired and yet could never fall asleep during the day. So the dogs pissed me off when I looked at the clock and saw the time.......dang.....the Today Show isn't even on yet! So I just started my normal routine of letting them out, starting the coffee and getting the newspaper. The problem is it's only 2:00 pm right now and I feel like it's at least 6:00 pm!! The little shits. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired right now, but nothing to do about it except go to bed early tonite, which I totally plan on doing. Lindsay left yesterday to go back to Gainesville, after being home for the weekend. Her and Anthony just hung out on Friday night and on Saturday afternoon we all went up to the bowling alley to bowl a few games with all his family, so I finally got to meet all the them. We had a good time and I attempted to bowl 1 game. What I mean by attempt was I could not bend at the waist like you should do when bowling when you deliver the ball and I guess it's because my lower back is so messed up. I bowled the worst game of my life too, as I used to be a damn good bowler but alas......no more :( Not that I was ever in a league or anything, it was just that I would normally bowl at least a 150 or so. My highest game ever was a 260. AHHHH.....The glory days LOL

A Surreal Moment..........

When I was at Dr. Nair's the other day and went back to the chemo room for my bone strengthening IV, I had a very surreal 7 minutes and 25 seconds. How do I know it was 7 minutes and 25 seconds, you ask? Well, I'm sitting there with my IPOD on, and it's turned up to the maximum volume, so the music is just my whole world just then. Then on comes Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". Now, now.....it was not a flashback!! The words are just so awesome and the voices and here I was in just a very not normal place and the 2 things combined to make the next 7 minutes and 25 seconds surreal. I looked around the room and I'm surrounded by 11 other people sitting in the exact same tan rocker/recliners with tall IV poles by their sides with clear tubing attached to people's arms or chests with various colors of liquid dripping into their veins. I slowly kinda stared at each and every persons face and they all had different looks on their faces. Some people were tired, some bored, some reading books, some watching TV, some sleeping, some looked sick, and another woman looked as if she had been crying very hard before she came in to get hooked up. This lasted the length of the song.... for 7 minutes and 25 seconds. I told my sister this story and then she asked me......."What were you feeling when this happened?" I had to think awhile before I had an answer, because there were no feelings at all which is very odd. I felt as if I was not a part of this scene and that I was an observer only. That I was meant to just observe and file it away. I know it just had to be a combination of THAT particular song in THAT particular place at THAT particular time, because the next song that came on was Lynrd Skynrd's "What's your Name?" and I immediately snapped out of it. One of my many surreal cancer moments!! LOL

Check Up at 5 Weeks Home.....

Today is Thursday July 17th and I've been home from Moffitt 5 weeks today, and feeling great. I had an appointment with my local oncologist, Dr. Nair, today as well as starting my once a month treatment of IV Zometa which I need for bone strengthening, since Multiple Myeloma attacks the bone. So my favorite gal, Tonya, called me in for the usual temperature taking,blood pressure taking and weight....which by the way is still at 96 pounds, even after eating a humongous ice cream sundae with fudge sauce and whipped cream everyday as my snack!! Then I go into a room and see the doctor and then on to the IV room for my infusion which takes about an hour. I have such great news from my doctor today. While talking how things were going in general, he then gave me a copy of my bloodwork which is just AMAZING!! He told me that in all his years of working with MM patients, that my bloodwork has recovered faster than anyone he can remember. He said usually that the blood numbers will go up and down and eventually stabilize. My white blood cells have been in the normal range since I've been home, my red cells are a little low, but nothing to be crazy about and the last blood cells to engraft in my marrow will be my platelets. Well the normal # for platelets to be is 140 and today mine were 138!! Woo-Wee. He told me that I am right now, in the place they would expect me to be at the 6 month mark!! What great news is that??? I knew I was feeling good, and now the numbers prove it. Yee-Haa. I am one happy camper. I also went out last nite to meet my friend Bobbie for an early dinner at Chili's and had a great time catching up with her. Bobbie is such a wonderful, warm and caring person and I enjoy so much our time together. Melissa, her daughter stopped by to see me too and it was great seeing her. Liss and Linz have played softball together for a bajillion years! Just wanted to share my great news with everyone. Blessings to all.

Beads Beads and More Beads

Oh my gosh....I am having sooooo much fun! I got the glass I ordered, delivered by UPS right on schedule yesterday afternoon. So far I've made about 15 beads and even experimented with one that looks like a tropical fish! It will take alot of practice to get really good, but I think I'm doing pretty good for this just being like the 5th time I've tried. I ordered lots of opaque glass, transparent glass and a few tools that will help with shaping so I'm pretty psyched about it. I could sit there all day and make tons of beads but I'm thinking I had better do a bit of planning, and coordinate some colors to make a necklace that doesn't look like someone just threw a bunch of melted glass together!! I want to make a necklace for Kate, that's my first order of business, and then I was thinking of making one for all my girls.....Ashley, Linz and Sarah. When I get really good I'm going to attempt to supplement my income with a small jewelry business on the side, but that will be a while yet. I'll take some photos when I have a camera that actually works! Ya'll take care now, ya heah!

Just Normal Stuff.....

No profound thoughts from me today. My brain doesn't want to think about cancer right now :)
I've been home from Moffitt 4 weeks now and feeling great. I haven't felt this good in over a year now since there is no poisonous chemo coursing throughout my body. I have lots more energy these days, I'd say I'm running at 80% capacity!! Mom and I went to our local flea market a few Wednesdays ago, and just looked around and had fun until it got too hot for words. Was pooped when I got home, but it felt really good to walk around in the heat and "get out there" and just look at cool stuff. I'm such a pack rat and junk fanatic that I can have fun at any flea market!! I even bought a set of 400 count sheets for $20....can't beat that. I've been making beads which is so much fun, but I only had about 10 glass rods in my beginner kit, so I've ordered some more which should be here sometime today. I have lots of creative ideas and then will be making some really cool and unique jewelry with my hand made beads. I'll post some photos when I get the shitty ole digital camera out. I really need a new one, as mine's one of the first that came out and it weighs a ton and the batteries that have crapped out cost almost as much as a new camera, so I need to get a new one that takes good close up photos. Ebay here I come! I love being creative and it's so calming and healing for me, and I'm thankful the nurse at Moffitt introduced me to this art form. I've got an early dinner date with my friend Bobbie on Wednesday which I'm looking forward to. We have tons to catch up on and a few margaritas to drink down at Chili's. I always have a good time with Bobbie. Linz came home this weekend but I didn't see her for too long as her boyfriend Anthony is home from Vegas for a few weeks so they had a few family get togethers with his parents and brothers over the weekend and then she had to head back to Gainesville to study for some tests coming up. She'll be home this coming weekend though so we'll spend more time together then. She's a pretty busy gal lately as she graduates on August 9th and then moves home for a few weeks and then out to Vegas to live. More on that later. All in all, things are going great these days and I'm thankful.

A Sense of Belonging.......

When I was at the Moffitt Cancer Center, I was surrounded by all sorts of people that were in various stages of treatment for cancer. You'd look into peoples faces and see the underlying sadness even though you could tell an effort was being made, in some cases anyway, to put a smile on their faces. I didn't feel out of place there, as I was one of "them". Unless you were in remission or a visitor or family member, you could pick "us" out of the crowd. Our skin color was different in some cases, we were "too thin" in some cases and we were either bald or in some stage of hair re-growth. The men either wore baseball caps or reveled in their badness, while the women made an attempt to wear our baldness with a hat or scarf and sometimes a wig. Some women didn't wear a thing. Good for them!! We came in all shapes and sizes and ages.......I saw people from their teens through 80's plus in some cases. I felt I was a member of an exclusive club being there, I was accepted there. Don't take this wrong, it's not that I feel like I don't belong "out" here at all, it's just a feeling you get when you have cancer and you're in a place surrounded by others that have cancer. It's an unspoken secret that we're all in this together. We are all fighting the good fight. We know how the other is feeling. That's what gives you a sense of belonging. I wasn't stared at there and I wasn't different there. When you're out in the real world, you do get some looks and even stares because of your baldness, lack of weight or a combination of both. Not a bad thing, it's just like you feel you're wearing a glaring neon sign that says, "I have cancer". I'll admit that I was always curious when I saw people like me. Of course you don't blatantly stare, because it's obvious they are fighting cancer. It's not too too bad for the guys I don't think, because lots of men shave their heads these days, but for a woman?? Well it's obvious they have cancer and have been through chemo. No matter what kind of headwear you choose, you can tell a person is bald underneath that hat or scarf! I'm not embarrassed by the way I look right now........I haven't ever in my life embarrassed easily......just ask anyone that knows me LOL I guess the point of my rambling is that until it happens to you, and you go out into the "outside" world, you don't know how it feels, and that's why it was so different at Moffitt. We're kind of like reminders to others that cancer is a part of life and we serve as sometimes unwelcome reminders to people because EVERYONE has either had cancer and in remission, is currently fighting cancer, or they know someone who has or did have or died from cancer. Although there may have been alot of sad people at Moffitt, it was also more of a place of Hope and and togetherness.

Identity Crisis?

When you have cancer, you tend to focus on the "physical" and "medical" aspects of it. It actually "makes" you take this focus in some ways because of all the continual doctor visits, blood testing, MRI's, CT scans and all kinds of other tests you are put through. And then it's not just the tests.......you are also made to live with a sort of constant low grade anxiety because you then have to wait for the results of these tests. So the next thing is...... What will this test show? Is the cancer increasing? or "I'm having (name something) this symptom today".....does that mean anything? There's never a day that you don't think about it, which is so not like me at all. I'm a "Serenity Prayer" kind of person, but no matter....it's kinda like a mosquito buzzing around your head, making you tired of swatting at it and it just won't stop bugging you. It doesn't interfere in my daily life per se, as in preventing me from doing things or immobilizing me etc...... it's just an "always there" kind of thing. I wonder if I'll ever be used to it?? That brings me to the thought that once you have a diagnosis of cancer, it becomes a part of who you are. It forces itself to become a part of your identity whether you want it to or not. Don't get me wrong....it doesn't define who you are, but it does require a re-organization of how you see yourself, both internally and externally. Like an "identity crisis" that shakes up who you think you are. When you first receive the diagnosis you and probably everyone else tends to think you will die soon. That's what a diagnosis of cancer used to mean back in the day. Thankfully so many strides have been made in the cancer field, that they are trying to look at cancer as a chronic disease (like diabetes or arthritis).....something you will always have but won't necessarily kill you. I like to think of it in that way!!! So when you wake up every day, and you're still alive, you realize that cancer is just another part of your life, always will be and it's just as simple as that. You learn to live with it, just like anything else. Sure, it will place some limitations on you , but how many things in life don't? I guess what I'm saying is I'm beginning to realize that the only way to "beat" cancer is to live your life to the fullest everyday, accept that it is part of who you are, and move on. The future doesn't have to stop because you have cancer. I remember when I was first diagnosed, and talking about it, some would say "don't you ever ask why me?"......and you know, I never ever have because I already knew the answer. The answer: Why NOT me? LOL It's not sad that I have cancer. I feel that it is a time to rejoice that my life was not lost, to focus on how lucky I am to have had so many people care and that each tomorrow holds hope.

Found this Poem

I found this poem on one of the websites I look at now and then so thought I'd share it with you.....

Cancer is so Limited
It cannot Cripple Love
It cannot Shatter Hope
It cannot Erode Faith
It cannot Destroy Peace
It cannot Silence Courage
It cannot Suppress Memories
It cannot Kill Friendships
It cannot Erode the Spirit
It cannot Conquer the Soul

Special Thank You's and Shout Outs......

Just like they say "It takes a Village to raise a Child", it also takes many many people to assist in the recovery of a person with Cancer. I first want to thank......and thank is such a pitiful little word.......when it comes to talking about my Mom and Kate and Lindsay and the multitude of ways they contributed to my BMT process. I truly could not have done it without them. They were the major contributors to my healing process, taking care of the endless day to day duties in the life of a Transplant patient. I also want to thank all of the nameless and faceless folks who prayed for me, people I will never know or meet who were kind enough to pray for me and my recovery. You know who you are, and I thank you so very much for "paying it forward" on my behalf. Then there are those people I will mention by name as they also played a role in my recovery, although they may not think they did. First of all, my wonderful ex-husband Kevin was a true and loyal supporter of mine. Kevin came to Tampa to share in my BMT experience from the first weekend there before I went in for my first chemo treatment until I was discharged from Moffitt. He came to Tampa EVERY weekend to do whatever he could (ie. setting up the DVD player and putting in a hand held shower unit for me) as well as just be there for me physically and emotionally. We would play scrabble with Lindsay, visit and laugh with the family and just generally talk and be together. We're talking an almost 5 hour drive from where he lives to Tampa, so this is a pretty big deal to do this every Friday thru Sunday for 6 weeks and he also came up to my house after I was discharged for the first 2 weekends after I was home. During this time too, he built the dog "corral" for me (I think the dogs call it Attica) and also played a big part as a parent to our daughters, helping to alleviate some of their fears about what I was going through in Tampa. He continues to play a huge part of all our lives and for this I am truly grateful. Kevin, you will never really know how much I appreciate all you have you have done for me all this time. I also mentioned in a past blog how I became interested in glass bead making and wanted to start this new art form when I got home. Well Kevin, on one of his weekend visits to me here at home brought me the most gorgeous hard cover beading books to read and learn from. I mean wonderful wonderful books about his craft. Not only did I appreciate the books themselves, but to know Kevin went into a beading/jewelry (girlie) store to buy them for me.....well, if you know my husband you'll appreciate the visual that brings! Thanks again for all you have done. I also want to thank my daughter Ashley for "holding down the fort" at home while I was gone this entire time. Ashley called at least twice a day to check on me and to talk to Kate or Mom about how I was doing. She thinks she did not contribute much to me being in Tampa because she was not physically there, but I truly needed her at home to make sure all was well and to take care of both the house and the dogs. To have that piece of mind and not have to worry WAS taking care of me. Thanks for all you did, Ashley. Another special shout out is to my niece Sarah, who came up to Tampa twice to see me. She took the time to make the long drive to see her Aunt Jan, and bring only Sarah's warmth and special sense of humor. She also bought me a gorgeous dress so I would feel like a "pretty" bald woman and gave me an awesome pedicure which is just now needing to be done!! I love you Baby Sawah. Others on my list for shout outs is Kathy my ex-sister in law who called several times while we were in Tampa to check on me and who was also clearing her schedule for when I came home to "babysit" me for 2 weeks, which it turns out I didn't need, but she would have been there doing everything for me in a heartbeat, and has also made the time to visit me since I've been home. I also want to thank Pepper, my niece for sending my many cards over the last few months that always cheered me up and left me feeling loved. I want to thank Patty and Tom, my relatives from Wichita who sent us all gifts to keep us occupied. They sent us all Starbucks gift cards (yes.....Moffitt has a Starbucks inside the building) and a bunch of just "fun" stuff to play with like chiming meditation balls (which I love using), some lip balm (which was needed), a how to book on palm reading and a how to belly dance book with the finger clackers!! We laughed so hard and had fun with all these things. How creative a "care package" was that?? Thanks Tom and Patty for all your love, prayers and thoughtfulness you have shown throughout this ordeal. They even made a trip down to Florida to see me before I went in for my BMT. I also want to thank Anthony, Lindsay's boyfriend who lives in Las Vegas, for sending a beautiful touching and thoughtful card along with the promise of tickets to see the Cirque de Soliel show with the Beatles soundtrack that I have been wanting to see since it started just over a year or so ago. When I get the clearance to travel, I'll take you up on it. Vegas is one of my favorite places ever!! Now I want to thank one of my oldest and dearest friends Wendy for a beautiful card with her special words of comfort and for sending me the book "Eat,Pray,Love" which I hear is wonderful. And lastly, I want to thank all of my friends who have emailed me blessings and special thoughts and prayers since this journey has begun. Please know that all of you have contributed to my healing, and for friends I had lost track of like Jan and Colleen.....well....I am so glad to have reconnected and look forward to seeing you in the near future......I am thankful for each and every one of you.

Angels Angels Everywhere........

About 3 weeks before I left for Tampa to have my Bone Marrow Transplant, my daughter had come home from college for the weekend (UF.....Go Gators!) and I asked her if she wanted to go up to a local park with me that evening, because I had read in the paper that they were hosting a "Relay for Life" sponsored by the American Cancer Society. I have never been involved in anything like that before and wanted to somehow be a part of it. I didn't know if you had to sign up.....didn't know what it would be like.....knew nothing about it really, but she told me "sure...let's go". I put on my black T-shirt that says "CANCER SUCKS" in big white block letters. My family hates when I wear that T-shirt but what a more appropriate place to wear it!! We agreed we'd just stay for a little while to see what's up and then go grab a bite to eat afterwards. Also at this time, and I really hadn't said to much to anyone, I was starting to get a bit nervous about my upcoming transplant. Before, it was always in the future but now I had a date and time for it and now it is for real. I was leaving in 5 days for my BMT pre-transplant testing in Tampa. Kind of a scary time for me right then. So Lindsay and I drive up to the park and drove around trying to find a parking space and in the distance we see some kids playing on the playground and a "bouncy house" set up. We parked and walked up past the playground and came to the park's entrance and we had just walked in when Linz saw a girl she knew from high school. We talked with her for a little bit and then just started to walk around and see what's what. There were tents pitched everywhere, as we found out that the "Relay for Life" was a 24 hour event so people had set up tents and tables all over......sort of like you see at a Pop Festival or the infield of the Races at Daytona!! There was a track laid out so people could walk in a large circle and the track was made out of luminaries and written on them were "In Honor Of" and a person's name. If the person was alive, it just had their name on it and if they had died they had a name and date. Lindsay and I found ourselves holding hands and walking along the track.....just talking and watching. It dawned on us then, that there was primarily 2 predominant color T-shirts people were wearing. The dark Purple shirts with white lettering had "Relay for Life" 2008 and the words "Celebrate", "Remember" and "Fight Back". On the back of the shirts in large block letters the T-shirts said "SURVIVOR". Then there were white T-shirts identical to the purple ones and on their back it said "SUPPORTER". Wow.........we then realized the girl that Linz knew from High School was wearing a Purple shirt. She had had cancer in High School ,Lindsay then tells me. There were also booths set up around the track, as well as a buffet table set up and a stage for entertainment too. Lindsay and I stopped to watch a karate school's students put on their routine and a little girl sing. We went up to the first booth to ask if there was a sign in sheet and a woman asked me if I was a supporter or survivor. Gee......I don't know....what EXACTLY am I?? I asked her if there were any other categories and then told her I presently have cancer and am going for a bone marrow transplant in 2 weeks and was pulling for the "survivor" name!! She then gave me the warmest bear hug and held me for at least a minute and then let go and said......"You look fabulous for going in a few weeks......I know that you are going to be just fine." That hug from a total stranger felt good and it was then I realized I was hugging a "sister" .......a cancer survivor.....something I want to be. She told me to find her before we left because she wanted to give me one of the Relay PURPLE T-shirts because if you currently have cancer and you're here to tell about it you are considered a SURVIVOR! Yay......I finally knew what to call myself, yet I felt it was cheating just a little since I hadn't gone through my BMT yet. Linz and I were getting hungry after another lap around the track, so we went to find the lady who told me she wanted me to have a Survivor T-shirt. She was talking with a 30 ish guy sitting at a picnic table. She saw me walking over so she excused herself to go get me T-shirt and we started talking to the guy she was sitting with. He also was wearing purple and we started to talk about ourselves and a bit about our journeys. He also told me I looked wonderful for going in for a transplant and he said that he had a feeling I would do just great and pull through really well. Wow....what an encouraging club I inadvertently joined by having Cancer!! Little did I know that when I was feeling scared that God would send these 2 angels in disguise to help me feel more confidant about my upcoming transplant...talk about making me better! I got my T-shirt, thanked my new cancer friends, and Linz and I left for IHOP to eat .....my choice.....I was in the mood for one of those thin crepe thingies they have! On the way there, Lindsay and I talked about how God and the Universe works in a way that you may not always get what you want, but you get what you need (thanks Rolling Stones) when you need it. We talked about Angels and how they are sent to us to bolster our courage, send us a message, or signs that the Universe is in our court. We had a great conversation about life and angels and the Universe. We then get to IHOP and the waitress who was seating us says to me......"I like your T-shirt".......I laughed and said "Thanks.......my daughter and I were just walking in the "Relay for Life" sponsored by the American Cancer Society". She then says, "I'm a Survivor" and I then asked her what kind of cancer she had and she told me uterine and that she has been in remission for over 8 years now. I told her that was awesome and that I was going in for a bone marrow transplant in a few weeks and the waitress leaned all the way over into our booth and gave me the biggest longest hug I think I've ever had!!! She also told me I looked great and that I would be just fine after my transplant and to keep the faith. Lindsay and I just looked at each other astounded!! We knew we had already experienced 2 angels today....... and we had talked about it all the way to the restaurant....and now this? WOW........Thank you God for allowing me to share a wonderful evening and conversation with my daughter and to allow us to see together, how wonderful your Universe is and how clearly and loudly you speak to us if we are open to your the message. I came home with no worries about my BMT, because 3 Angels came into my life today.