Friday, March 20, 2009

The Inevitable.....

I knew from the "get go" that the nature of Multiple Myeloma is to relapse. They told me this on day #1, and with the great promise of having a Bone Marrow Transplant, the odds of returning were at least farther away then having no BMT done at all. HA..... I say to that! I've always been one to beat the odds in many situations, but in this particular thing I wanted to beat the odds ON THE OTHER END>>> ie, having to GO LONGER before relapse, not sooner than the 1-3 years it was "supposed" to give me. So now all I'm left with right now, is an active cancer and I must find my way along this long and tortouous road to make peace and embrace the Cancer Monster. When you're little you hide under the covers when you "see" a monster, but what do you do when you see a monster when you are an adult? And it REALLY IS a monster? Well, I suppose I could hide under the covers. Tempting. But in reality I'll at least have to come out and pee and get something to drink, so then EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK......there's the monster again. SO the only thing left to do is face the monster and make peace with the monster as it will literally be with me the rest of my life. So what I'm currently working on is shaking hands with the monster although clearly making sure he/she understands I am still a mighty foe to deal with, but also let it know that it doesn't scare me. No hiding under the covers for me. Battles and going to war, Check Spellingwhich is really what I'm doing just reminds me of how strong I must be to fight. You don't really comprehend how very strong you are until you have to prove it. Now, I'm not gonna lie.....the feeling of being vulnerable is beyond words, but then so is my determination and stubborness to beat this. I have too many things to do yet, to allow this monster to scare me and force me under the covers. Besides, I can't stand the dog hair on the covers! LOL

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jan,

You are an incredible person, and we are all praying with you everyday! We all know you are gonna fight hard and this "monster" isn't going to defeat you! Lots of love and prayers are with you! Much love Melissa Gallimore

Susan said...

Way to go Jan...fight that monster...your a fighter..enjoy your writing ..keep it up,,you are allowed to crawl under the blanket now and then :)

Kim, denese and kd dog said...

Jan

Kim and I pray for you at the minimum of once daily, sometimes two or three. Take this monster and shove it!!! You are our inspiration. Stay strong, but remember, it is okay to be scared of this beast once and a while.
Kim & denese

Jan said...

I am sooooooooooo lucky to have all of you wonderful people in my corner. Just think.....if not for MM, we would not even know each other...(except for my "other baby girl" Lissa...who needs to come see her other momma when she gets a day off :)...........I'm really doing OK guys...just as you would be if you were in my position. WE ARE ALL FIGHTERS! HOO WA