Saturday, March 7, 2009

Spring Cleaning.....Outside and Inside

I'm starting to go on my "Spring Cleaning Spree" more ways than one. I wanted to start on my bedroom and I mean REALLY go through it all. Closet, desk, dressers, bathroom......ALL OF IT. By the way, why is it always the bigger the room, the more crap winds up in there. My bedroom is huge......about 20 ft x 20 ft., so there's lots of places " to stick stuff". Basically I'm an organized person too, so I'm really a paradox, because it's really an organized mess. For instance, rather than filing away, say my prescription receipts into a file folder or something, I have them in a pile on my desk. That pile is also next to the pile of insurance papers, which is next the the pile of.....well, you get the picture! This spring cleaning is also just not related to the physical. I'm going through an internal spring cleaning as well, and actually, I prefer the physical spring cleaning! I know I have probably addressed this before, but I've had anxiety about my upcoming PEE TEST that I just dropped off at the lab. I go to see my oncologist this next Thursday and for some reason, I'm having anxiety about the upcoming results. It's like I've said before.....the further away I get from my transplant, the reality is, I become closer to relapse. I think my feeling this way may be for a few reasons, as I've tried to process where these feelings are coming from and why (the therapist in me! LOL). Firstly, since I've been home from the transplant (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WILL BE 10 MONTHS ON MARCH 15th?), I've seen Dr. Nair every month and gotten the good to go, thumbs up on a monthly basis. This time I've "graduated" and only see him every other month, so now it will be 2 months since I've kept tabs on my body, and that may be a source of some anxiety, having had more time not knowing if I'm doing ok. Another source of anxiety is that I am taking antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, which I haven't had since.......well, if you go back to my very first entry, you'll remember that that was one of the tell tell signs I had MM.....UTI's that kept recurring. I didn't go to the doctor for it though, as Dr. Nair had written me a prescription for Levaquin for just this reason, so as soon I was sure I had the telltale signs, I started on them. But that has me a little concerned since I haven't had one in over 2 years. All of this (physical) spring cleaning though, got me to thinking that I also have alot of loose ends to tie up (everyone should do this anyway.....even if you don't have cancer) I need to make a will or whatever that other thing is called (thank you CHEMO BRAIN), I need to arrange for others to be able to access my back accounts, make a list of all credit cards and /or pin #s, internet passwords, etc. and not meaning to sound depressed or morbid, but another thing I want to get arranged and paid for is my cremation. When people die, there's enough grieving going on that the last thing you want to do, is make arrangements, as I know that first hand from my dad dying. He made it so much easier for me and Kate because he too had made prior arrangements and all we had to do was make a phone call and everything was taken care of. I thank him for that, and feel that I too, need to do that as well. Please don't think I'm depressed or anything....far from it actually.....I'm just being a good Girl Scout and "being prepared"...or is that the Boy Scout thing? So, I'll start tomorrow with a good cup of coffee and read the paper and then......spring cleaning again.....inside and outside. :)


Susan said...

Those feeling you are having are exactly what I am feeling..anxious. I now know I had a good 1 1/2 yrs and I wish I could back up and start that 11/2 over again. Right after my transplant everything is uncertain,but now I know that the time was good and I wish I could have them to do all over again. Does that make sense? I am always anxious too after I have my tests done,and the further away I get from the transplant day the more anxious I get. But I tell myself the docs don't really know..they just give us a number,which I really wish they hadn't. You are doing so good ..don't spend the time worrying over something the really are not certain of. Enjoy every day to the fullest. I know that is very difficult to do,especially with the things going on in our lives.Concentate on will be fine...xoxo

Jan said...

We are "holding hands" on this journey, my friend. Unless you live with what we live with, well, you just don't know what it's like. We have family and friends that love us and care for us deeply, but as hard as they try to understand, they just don't know what it's like, but they ARE there for us which means so very very much. I owe you an email, so I'll write soon.

Cam Harris said...

Hey Jan!
Seems like your tests and mine match up. I just got my results back yesterday and so far so good. Got a few more to come back next week, but I was relieved that another 3 month testing period has gone past and with counts where they should be.
Definitely a mental hurdle. My life has been spiraling lately (I will tell you more in my next email). This worrying about health has been a big part of it. You seem to be staying strong though - I am encouraged!
Will chat more soon dear,

Jan said...

Hey Cam...YAY for YOUR RESULTS! and I am in the midst of writing back to you after your last email to me.....more coming soon to you too :)
Hugs and Hugs