Happy Birthday to Me.......

Hi Everyone
Well today, August 28th, is my Birthday! Up until now....I'd say from hitting 30, birthdays became more of a nuisance than anything else. In my 20's it was "Whoa.....let's go PARTY".....in my 30's it was "Let's invite the family and some friends over for a BBQ".............in my 40's it was "AHHHH....no big deal, let's just go grab a bite to eat (if that) LOL........and the 50's well it was "Let's start counting backwards!" However, in light of recent events I believe it's come full circle and back to the 20's mentality of "Let's PARTY". I have EVERY reason in the world to begin actually CELEBRATING my Birthdays now. I never thought I'd give Birthdays another thought really. C'mon....it just means we're getting older and more wrinkly and lots of other fun stuff, but NOW I am more than happy to rejoice in and celebrate the fact that I have lived for a whole additional year. Please embrace my philosophy friends. You are here. You have a life and no matter what shitty thing may be going on in it right this minute, well, nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. Live each day to its fullest. Stop and smell the flowers. Look for the positive and lessons in all things. See what birthdays do for me now? LOL Another milestone in my life worth giving a second glance at. On top of this, I had a Doctor Nair appt yesterday and my numbers have never looked better! Yay for my blood! (I'd pat in on the back, but it keeps moving). My beautiful white blood cells are WAY in the normal range. My red blood cells are just a titch under normal and those sweet little platelets of mine went from 114 last week to 128 this week. I had to have my once a month IV session yesterday but it seemed to go rather quickly and I didn't even get to read the whole paper before I was done. Dr. Nair said I have "graduated" to only seeing him once a month now, but will go in every other week for bloodwork. Kinda crazy when I think that pretty much every second of every day has been basically accounted for for at least the last year and a half of my life and now the reins have loosened. Kinda scary and kinda not. I'll write a whole new blog one of these days about how I feel about that. So today I got an email Birthday from my wonderful friend Colleen, who I can't believe she remembered my birthday after all these years, I got another email from my sis-in-law Kathy and my sissie Kate has sent me 5....count em.....5.....birthday cards!! I haven't talked to her yet today, but know she'll call later on. Got a call from my brother Greg to wish me a Happy Birthday and also a call from my step dad Van. And of course Ashley told me first thing this morning and Linz called from Gainesville. Linz, Anthony and Kevin will be here at some point tomorrow from moving her butt from the apt in G'ville to here, so we plan on going out to my favorite restaurant tomorrow night. In the meantime I've been really busy cleaning up my garage to make room for her stuff to be here, as we are going to have a massive garage sale the 1st weekend in Sept to get rid of it all. The garage was a royal mess as I see it as a GIANT purse and just throw stuff in it for years so you can imagine the mess it was and how disorganized! Whateve doesn't sell will be donated to the American Cancer Society's local thrift shop here. It's all good stuff, just not what we want and I really do want my garage back so I can set up a studio for making beads and jewelry out there, as the bedroom is getting a bit crowded with all my supplies! I promise to take some photos soon and post them. Peace to all

It was time for a Reality Check..... I guess......

My usual routine in the morning, is to start the coffee and go down and get the newspaper. Now, up until about a few weeks ago, I would literally read the paper, front to back. Really. Lately though I've just been "perusing" the paper ( I love when I get to use big people words).....hee hee, because I've been eager to get a jump on making beads and jewelry. But today was different, and I don't know why. I wanted to read the whole paper. Front to back. So I got my cup of java and settled in. Now we come to the part of my Reality Check......I suppose. You know how the Universe works..... sometimes it sends slap you in the face messages you can't ignore. Other times, it just sends oh- so -subtle hints and it's up to you whether to pursue them or not. So this morning I'm reading the paper and in the local section as I'm turning the pages a photo caught my eye and it was in the Obituary section. Now, I know I said I read the paper front to back but the Obits are not part of my regular reading habits! But here on this page I see a photo of a woman, youngish.....(and that gets determined the older I get!)..........and when you see a photo of someone say ,under 60, it does tend to catch your eye. So I read her obituary and it said, and I quote, "she lost her war with a rare blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma". I started to cry. And cry. Here was this beautiful woman with 2 younger kids, she was 44 yo, and she had been battling MM for 2 years and lost the war. Wow. I usually never really think about my cancer. I know that sounds kinds weird, but I really don't. Sure....I have to go to the doctor's 1x a week right now, so that's always a big fat reminder of course, but it's been 10 weeks since my Bone Marrow Transplant and it's kinda like having a baby. You forget how horrid and painful it was as time goes by. It's almost like it was a really bad dream at this point (although I have photos and video that tells me otherwise). So, I guess my roundabout point to all this rambling, is that seeing the obituary of a beautiful young woman who died from the same disease I have, made me do some re-assessing. Is the Universe telling me to stop doing something that would make me healthier and give me more tools to fight MM? Or is there something more I could be doing to gather more tools? Or was it just a heads up to remember that I am living with this disease and be grateful and thankful I am still here. I'm hoping it's the latter and although extremely grateful I survived the BMT (people do die from them), perhaps I need to further pursue my gratefulness. One thing I have decided is that when this jewelry/beadmaking business gets in the black, I will be donating a portion of the proceeds to either the International Myeloma Foundation or the Bone Marrow Transplant Unit of the Moffitt Cancer Center. Ultimately I would love to start a foundation of sorts that helps people monetarily cover expenses that come with a transplant. This I thought of a while ago when Dawn, one of my nurses at Dr. Nair's office, told me about a patient that could not have a BMT because he had no one that could stay with him for the required month when you do it outpatient. He had family, but when people live paycheck to paycheck, or have little kids or whatever the reason may be, no one can afford to take off a month of work and still make their bills. See how lucky and fortunate I am?? I had 2 people who were with me 24/7......Mom and Kate. See what I mean when I say I could NEVER have done this without them? So that makes me think, this poor guy can't be the only person out there who can't have a transplant he needs to give him a shot of living just because there is no one to care for him? Who said life's fair, huh? Insurance doesn't cover stuff like this so having a foundation that would hire someone specifically to stay with someone like him or pay the family's lost wages when they are taking care of the sick person is how I would want monies to help. There is SO MUCH money needed when you have a life threatening illness, you have no idea unless you've been there. My personal bank account just disappeared right before my eyes in the last 1 1/2 years, so I know what it's like. I'll stop here as I know I'm on a tear right now.....that obit shook me up. Not too many people have this disease.....why of all days was today I decided to read the whole paper when I haven't in at least the last few weeks?........and the 44 yo woman DIED. I got some more thinkin' to do, and I am grateful I'm here to do it. Peace

Fay Fay Go Away.....

Howdy folks........wow is the rain coming down here or what? Tropical Storm Fay has overstayed her welcome here and it actually wasn't so bad yesterday, a little rain and some wind, but today.....LOTS of rain and LOTS of wind. I just keep sayin a little prayer the electricity won't go out!! We've had some flickers where you had to reset all the clocks in the house, but I really hate when the electricity goes down. Bummer, so keep your fingers crossed!! The weather outside is the exact opposite of how I feel on the inside. What a contradiction. I'm sitting here with my IPOD clock thingie turned up full blast, making jewelry and having the best time. The rain pounding and the wind whooshing is a really cool sound when you think about. I like these kinds of days sometimes. We turned the AC down really low in case it goes out, so the house will stay cooler longer if it does. So I'm sitting here listening right now to Eric Clapton singing "Cocaine". Does life get any better than this? It's cold inside which I love (except for the Florida Power bill), I'm surrounded with beautiful beads and such, some my own creation and I'm also using lots of broken up vintage beads to incorporate into my designs, the artistic juices are flowing and I'm listening to probably the best music EVER created. Thank the Lord for the 70's classic rock and roll, that's all I gotta say! Life is good people......no matter what is going on in your life.....you are here to experience it.......that's all I'm saying. Peace

Just Checkin' In......

Hey everyone, how's it going for you? I have had a pretty busy week, so that's why no posts since last week. Last weekend the family went to Gainesville to see Lindsay graduate from the University of Florida. YAY!!! The ceremony was beautiful, Linz looked gorgeous, and a great time was had by all. After the ceremony, we all went out to eat at this Asian Fusion restaurant and I had the best shrimp thing for dinner. I'd like some right now actually! I've been watching the Olympics, but of course the one sport I love to watch has been relegated to starting around 1:00 AM, and that's of course, softball, so I've been taping and watching it the next day. I've also decided to make the big jump into starting my own jewelry business, since my bead making endeavor has been going really well. I get compliments when I wear my stuff and I made some things for my sister and her friend Steph, and they also tell me they are getting compliments. I'm gonna start small and go to a Arts/Crafts Festival locally and see how well the "public" likes my things, and then go from there. Kind of a riot huh, that I am only 9 weeks out from a bone marrow transplant, really not knowing if I'll live or die from this dreaded cancer, and here I am hoping to start my own business. What a hoot I am! I wonder what I think sometimes! Kate said she sees it as very life affirming and positive, so I'm gonna go with that! I'll take some photos soon and post them and I'd like your feedback too. Be honest.....you won't hurt my feelings :) So that's why I've been pretty busy this week, getting ready for the show and being out of town. I had an appt yesterday with the doc's office......didn't see him, that's next week....just did the blood thing with of course my favorite person, Tonya, and guess what?? The ole platelets have moved up again, so all's still looking pretty good. The whites and reds are still a wee bit below normal, but hey, I'm still recovering and we'll give them time. They are just below the normal range though, so nothing to get excited about. Guess that's it for now. Talk to you in a few days!

Yippee Yi Yo Yi Yay.....

Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar.......all for Jan's Platelets, stand up and Holler!! As you can probably tell I went to Dr. Nair today and had the usual bloodwork done, and lo and behold, the platelets are comin in at 107! Last week as you'll recall they registered a lousy 71 on the platelet report card, having been in the hundreds since I had been home. My oh so smart doctor, thought it may be the the medication to prevent shingles, and that's why he makes the big bucks folks, he was right! That's a heavy load off my mind to have them back at somewhat closer to the normal range. So I'm to stay off the meds for another week, and see what the numbers are then. If they're still OK then I'll start back on the med, taking it once a day instead of twice like I had been doing. All in all, whites are still a bit low and so are the reds, but nothing to get concerned about, just the normal fluctuations we expect. So yay for my platelets......way to go little guys :) And yes, I do talk to my body quite alot......trying to be as complementary as possible, but when I have an issue with it, I am diplomatic but forceful about correcting itself. Somebody has to keep this Multiple Myeloma in line! Well, just wanted to give you the latest result. Now I'm gonna go pack for my weekend in Gainesville, to see my baby graduate from the #1 Party School!! I wonder if that's written on the diploma anywhere? I'll read it carefully and let you know :)

The Moon or Something.......

Is it a summer equinox? Are we having an eclipse I don't know about? The reason I ask is that although I have been very busy today, I have this underlying philosophical thread running through my brain. Perhaps it is leftover chemo or maybe just the Universe sending me some sort of message that I need to rummage through some cereal boxes and see if there is one of those "decoder rings" they used to give as a prize so I can figure it out! I've written a bunch of thoughts down in my trusty notebook, my maybe one day will turn into a book of essays on Living with Cancer, but for the time being, I'm just going to log them in my notebook......give them a once over after a day or two to see if they make sense.......and then I'll share them with you.

Helen Keller......

While reading some things the other day,I came across a quote by Helen Keller. Now, I don't think ANYONE would argue that this woman is the epitome of determination. The quote from her reads: " Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved." Wow.....if only I could be so profound! This quote really stopped me in my tracks and caused me to think very deeply (ouch.....my brain hurts cuz I got no hair to cushion it!) So I get to thinking, dangerous I know, that each and every one of us must be so dang strong because all of us in our own ways have lived through trials and suffering. Some really really BIG stuff and some not so big, but none the less has caused a blip in our lives as a lesson for us, big or small. Is it to appreciate good health? Is it to learn to blow off the little daily irritations? Is it to enjoy family and friends? We each have our own lessons to learn, some we have to learn all by ourselves, and others we learn in the company of others.

The Graduation Party......

Last weekend Lindsay's Dad, Kevin, threw her a "Graduation from University of Florida" Party. Here's where I say>>>GO GATORS! It was a quick trip for Mom and I since we didn't leave till Sat. morning, got there about noon, hung out at Kate's where I saw Bonnie, who I hadn't seen in quite some time (good to see you Bon..you look great!), and then got dressed and headed to Kevin's house for the big shindig. Kevin and Ashley did an awesome job decorating the house and patio, all with the good ole Orange and Blue and there, of course, was tons of food and anything you could have possibly wanted to drink. There were lots of people there.......some I knew and some I didn't. I have to say I haven't been to a party in quite some time, and I had such a GREAT time. The best part was seeing people I hadn't seen in almost 20 years!! Everyone looked good and I was just the social butterfly flitted from one person to the next and playing catch-up with all these people I used to hang out with all the time. My favorite person to see, who I hadn't seen in so long, was my friend Colleen. Colleen, you look exactly like you did the day we met so long ago and I was so happy to see you and Chrystal. Colleen and I go way back to when the kids were about 2 or so....Linz wasn't even born yet and and Colleen is her God-Mother. We lost track in some way and now have reconnected for which I am so grateful. I must say that of all the times we have spent together with and without the kids, that we BOTH have a particular snapshot of a time etched in our memory, was amazing to me. When I started to talk about it, you finished my sentence!! I was surprised, and yet not, in some way, as we always had a spiritual connection too. I also of course, loved seeing my Mother in Law and my 2 nieces Kristy and Pepper along of course with my sis in law, Kathy. She has come to visit me since I've been back from Moffitt and was going to be one of my primary caregivers when we thought I was going to come home sick. Luckily, I didn't need her for that, but always enjoy her company and visits. All in all, everyone had a great time and I can't believe my baby is graduating. More on that and "The Move" later when I am out of denial :)

The Mind is a Wondrous Thing....

Some people have a great memory and some people have a bad memory. Which is the best to have? Why do they differ from person to person? I'm blessed with a horrible memory, and always have been. It has nothing to do with "chemo brain" either. I use the word "blessed" because in many ways it is a blessing. The "bad stuff" in life doesn't really stick with me, but on the down side, lots of fun and happy memories aren't there either. Oh sure, I can remember lots of stuff, I haven't lost my mind completely!! But all in all, I think having a bad memory overall, allows me to really live "one day at a time" and not worry about lots of stuff, because it just doesn't stay in my brain long enough to stir things up and cause trouble. On the other hand, if you have one of those terrific memories and remember EVERYTHING, then can you ever really "let go" and live each day to it's fullest because you are just stuffed with so many memories, both good and bad, that it seems to me it interferes in the present. I'm just sayin.... I really don't know which one is the best to have, but I think I'll continue to say "blessed" when talking about my bad memory. I'd much rather not hang on to past hurts (real or imagined) and dwell on things my memory may drag to the surface, when I can live each new day brand new and not drag old shit into it. I'm just sayin.... Well, yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of my BMT and I went to the doctors for the usual bloodwork and checkup. My bloodwork that's done in the office all came back pretty good except for my platelets which by the numbers of 2 weeks ago I reported they were damn near the normal range and so yesterday I was expecting to hit the mark. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG.......I hate this disease. I hate cancer. Last week my platelet level was 138, and 140 is the beginning of the normal range. Well, yesterday, it measures 71!! When Dawn, my nurse, gave me the results I said, "oh no, this can't be right, 2 weeks ago I was 138." She said well I can get more blood if you think it's ot right, maybe it clotted or something and that can change the results. So again I get stuck for a blood draw and it came back again at 71. So I'm pretty bummed and told Dr. Nair that and he said that if my hematacrit had also been low he would be concerned, but the Acyclovir medication I'm on to prevent shingles (which is easy for BMT patients to acquire because our immune systems are still growing) can cause it to screw around with my platelet levels. When I asked why so good 2 weeks ago and now so low, he said that actually the last number was surprisingly high and 71 is the more accurate number since the platelets are the last to become normal. So he's tending to think it's the medication, so I'm to stop taking it as of last night for a week and we'll re-do my bloodwork next week. I'm trying not to become overly anxious about it, but see the hold cancer has on you? When you finally get to a point where you're feeling good, not dog ass tired like you have been for over a year, you get a new interest and are having fun again, you go on short trips and have fun....getting back to normal really, then all of the sudden.....BAM>>>>>JAN, DON'T FORGET YOU HAVE CANCER. It just pisses me off. You try to forget about the ugly monster that's trying to take over your life, and you let your guard down and start to be normal, and then in some way, shape or form, you're reminded of it's presence. Oh well, lesson learned. I'll have to keep my guard up at all times and learn to create a balance between living life normally DESPITE having cancer. Cancer Sucks.