Friday, August 1, 2008

The Mind is a Wondrous Thing....

Some people have a great memory and some people have a bad memory. Which is the best to have? Why do they differ from person to person? I'm blessed with a horrible memory, and always have been. It has nothing to do with "chemo brain" either. I use the word "blessed" because in many ways it is a blessing. The "bad stuff" in life doesn't really stick with me, but on the down side, lots of fun and happy memories aren't there either. Oh sure, I can remember lots of stuff, I haven't lost my mind completely!! But all in all, I think having a bad memory overall, allows me to really live "one day at a time" and not worry about lots of stuff, because it just doesn't stay in my brain long enough to stir things up and cause trouble. On the other hand, if you have one of those terrific memories and remember EVERYTHING, then can you ever really "let go" and live each day to it's fullest because you are just stuffed with so many memories, both good and bad, that it seems to me it interferes in the present. I'm just sayin.... I really don't know which one is the best to have, but I think I'll continue to say "blessed" when talking about my bad memory. I'd much rather not hang on to past hurts (real or imagined) and dwell on things my memory may drag to the surface, when I can live each new day brand new and not drag old shit into it. I'm just sayin.... Well, yesterday was my 2 month anniversary of my BMT and I went to the doctors for the usual bloodwork and checkup. My bloodwork that's done in the office all came back pretty good except for my platelets which by the numbers of 2 weeks ago I reported they were damn near the normal range and so yesterday I was expecting to hit the mark. ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG.......I hate this disease. I hate cancer. Last week my platelet level was 138, and 140 is the beginning of the normal range. Well, yesterday, it measures 71!! When Dawn, my nurse, gave me the results I said, "oh no, this can't be right, 2 weeks ago I was 138." She said well I can get more blood if you think it's ot right, maybe it clotted or something and that can change the results. So again I get stuck for a blood draw and it came back again at 71. So I'm pretty bummed and told Dr. Nair that and he said that if my hematacrit had also been low he would be concerned, but the Acyclovir medication I'm on to prevent shingles (which is easy for BMT patients to acquire because our immune systems are still growing) can cause it to screw around with my platelet levels. When I asked why so good 2 weeks ago and now so low, he said that actually the last number was surprisingly high and 71 is the more accurate number since the platelets are the last to become normal. So he's tending to think it's the medication, so I'm to stop taking it as of last night for a week and we'll re-do my bloodwork next week. I'm trying not to become overly anxious about it, but see the hold cancer has on you? When you finally get to a point where you're feeling good, not dog ass tired like you have been for over a year, you get a new interest and are having fun again, you go on short trips and have fun....getting back to normal really, then all of the sudden.....BAM>>>>>JAN, DON'T FORGET YOU HAVE CANCER. It just pisses me off. You try to forget about the ugly monster that's trying to take over your life, and you let your guard down and start to be normal, and then in some way, shape or form, you're reminded of it's presence. Oh well, lesson learned. I'll have to keep my guard up at all times and learn to create a balance between living life normally DESPITE having cancer. Cancer Sucks.

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