Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The "Pee Pee" Results.... :)

Today I had a Dr. Nair appt to go over the results of my 24 hour Urine test which I dropped off on Monday and the results would indicate if any Multiple Myeloma Cells might be creeping and sneaking around in my blood system BUT my results came back a BIG FAT ZERO! Yay for my pee! I was just SOOOOO excited to hear this news today. As a matter of fact, my entire blood counts are looking awesome and even those pesky little platelets have already reached 211 according to today's test and as I've mentioned before, the normal range starts at 140. So some really really great news today which makes me a very happy gal. Lately though, I've been having just a low grade anxiety around "relapsing". I know this is the nature of my disease and something I will have to learn to live with, although "learning to live with it" is an even ludicis way to look at it. How do you "learn to live" with waiting for the news that your cancer has become active again? I don't think you really do ever "learn" that. I guess it's the ole "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. It's not all encompassing or too invasive, but it's been there and I recognized it and gave it some thought. In several ways lately, my attention has been drawn to the fact that more than a few people have relapsed around the 1 year mark, so now it's kinda weird, because at first I was counting the days AWAY from my transplant and now I'm counting days TO the 1 year anniversary mark, and that's 1 thing I think, that has been contributing to "goin down the road" of thinking about relapse.'s not consuming me or anything....just a nagging little thought that creeps in now and then. My life is really great right now.....I'm physically feeling better than I have in more than 2 years now, I'm busy and excited about Jashlin Jewelry, and for the first time in a long time I'm setting goals and working towards them. My life was so uncertain for so long, that thinking about setting goals, let alone setting them, was near to impossible for me. It's kinda difficult to frame goals in your mind and outline steps to reach them, when you're not even sure whether you will live or not! I've always been a goal setting kind of person, so living my life in limbo for so long was hard for me. And getting back to my previous line of that I'm only a few days from being 6 months post transplant, I guess what I'm trying to say it's the time now, when I am getting farther and farther away from my transplant and knowing my kind of cancer is not "curable" and I will inevitably relapse, the farther away from transplant makes me closer to relapse. Am I making any sense to you? It's all kinda jumbled in my head a bit, but I hope I am being clear in expressing myself and this fear. More on this later...... On a lighter and happier note.......well, besides getting the BEST medical news ever today :) I am leaving for an 8 day cruise in a few days and couldn't be more excited! I'll be really busy tomorrow with organizing and packing and doing those "last minute" stuff that seems to come up before a get-away, but I am sooooooo looking forward to a week on the "high seas"....island hopping.....watching las vegas type shows....chillin....sitting on the deck with a good book....playing some blackjack...... going to the clubs......taking some shore excursions and most of all, just spending time with my family. I might even treat myself to the spa for a thing or hair appts for me though LOL I'll be taking the laptop with me so will check in with you during the week. peace & hugs


Susan said...

wow your writing hits the nail on the head.Yeaaa to your pee results....I have the same feelings about relapse. Its always there. I have hit the yr mark. There are people out there that have gone 4-5 yrs so I try to tell myself I'm one of those. I'll be praying for you that you will also be one of those. Leave that thought at home and enjoy that well deserved vacation.

Anonymous said...

Yay for your Jan! I agree with Susan, well written and it is exactly how I have been feeling also. Just to bump up the expectancy thing, I know people who are nearly 10 years old after their stem cell transplant, so I think it is up to us to push that even further!
I guess for me, the tension is just wanting to get back on with life without having to think about it coming back, but wanting to prepare myself for some of the decisions that I will face in the future - and unfortunately this involves thinking about it!
I am not sure there is any easy way around this (as if we are expecting there would be!). I don't think I will be ready for any news of relapse - it will be devastating again, I think I might just have to accept that reality. I hate it, really hate it.
I think you certainly set an amazing standard for people who are in this situation though Jan. You exemplify someone who knows how to get back into life, squeezing it for all it is worth, and it is worth every bit. I continue to be in awe, and hope you have an amazing time cruising the seas!

Love to you Jan,