The Very FIRST Entry......

I am writing (actually copying) the very first entry I made in my poor handwritten pathetic pad of paper! Remember please, that this was written the DAY of my diagnosis of cancer. At this point I didn't know what kind of cancer I had or the treatments available. All I know is that I have Cancer.....and people die from Cancer. I'm sharing this with no omissions and written as is (I haven't added any comments or anything to the original) so you can see the first effects of just hearing the diagnosis of cancer was like for me. After this entry I have probably one or 2 more entries about my Oncologist and telling the kids and then I will have you up to date. So here goes:
Written on 1-22-07 at 12:30 pm
Well, I got my diagnosis of Cancer today (officially). Mom and I went to the ortho appt. to "go over" my MRI results, but I had picked up the written report myself on Friday and had read through them. Not too happy, I'm afraid. Was expecting the herniated discs (maybe 1 or 2 new ones) and of course the fracture at L-3 didn't surprise me, but when I got down to the part about the 2 suspicious neoplasms.....well it doesn't take an oncologist (a little cancer humor here.....I'm entitled) to know that that is the medical way to say Cancer. But that was just me reading my own MRI, which is a bad thing with some medical knowledge, but not being a doctor. It allows me to navigate through the terminology and make educated guesses. And they turned out right.....sorry to say. Something funny for someone who thinks she usually is right....LOL.....(insert your own story about a time I was wrong for your own pleasure). I really don't know what I'll use this for....this pitiful pad of paper. Seems like right now I'll just babble thoughts as they come to mind, but perhaps they will serve a higher purpose at some point. Right now they are just blank pages that I can fill any way I want, sorta like I saw my future. A future where I could write and see and do whatever I wanted. Well, I still do have a future actually, just one much shorter than I had imagined. I haven't let my mind go any farther then right here and right now. Don't know how long that will last. I never really did that anyway. Never was one for big planning and all, I kinda like the go with the flow process. Maybe that attitude will come in handy with all I will have to do in these coming months. Still......I don't really want to go there yet. I usually would be on the computer looking up words or phrases like "cancer of the spine" of even "oncology doctors" etc. but right now I just want to "be". Like I said my precious Mom and I got back around 11:00 am as we had to drop off about a bajillion referrals to my primary care doctor on the way home from the ortho's. She stayed for a bit and we put on our best faces for Ashley who was home. Mom left, I changed into comfy clothes and 1 1/2 hours have gone by. No urge to watch tv, read the paper, use the computer or read a book. I just want to lay here and listen. Then I saw this notebook on my wall unit in the bedroom, so I got up (and lordy was I comfortable in my jammies, my new sleep number bed and heating pad) but an almost compulsion came over me to start writing. Ask anyone, this isn't even my usual handwriting, it's almost like I can't take the time to write neat like I normally do. I just want to hurry and get it all out. Hmmm......a metaphor? Am I running out of time? Do I have less time than I think? Nothing like the word Cancer to both hurry you up and slow you down AT THE SAME TIME!! What a paradox that is! I am lying on my side, as comfortable as I can get and just listening. Before I started writing (which makes you say the words in your head as you write, LOL) I was just listening......to my heartbeat, the ceiling fan, the little refrigerator humming, Alex breathing, my stomach gurgling and birds chirping outside. I guess I just want to take some time to be quiet, because my inner self is telling me I'm going to be quite the busy gal soon. When I do allow thoughts to intrude this wonderful quiet, they move to so so many hectic things, mostly questions I have no answers to yet. My timing on when to tell my girls is a big one for me. All the other questions are more mundane like What kind of Cancer? Can it be removed? Has it metastasized all over? How long do I have to live? I need to call an attorney and make a will. I need to contact the annuity company. Who gets what? Does anybody want anything specific? I need to make out a living will. No life saving measures for me......and no Terri Shiavo type fighting over me. I need to make out one of those legal documents to appoint someone to make medical decisions. The only people I've told right now are my Mom and my Sister, Kate. Alot of people call her Kathy, but I've always called her Kate! It's funny when we have gone out with her friends and I'll say something about Kate....and they're like Who?? LOL I dreaded telling my sister. It as bad enough telling Mom but she had been to all appts. with me so she experienced the same thing as me at the same time. Except for picking up the results early and knowing I had cancer. She heard it first in the doctors office. My sister has always been and always will be my closest and dearest friend besides being my sister. We've always done things together for as long as I can remember!! We strayed a bit apart when I moved to Central Florida and we didn't see each other and talk to each other as much as we used to. But she was always there no matter when or what. One of the only people in my life I can count on NO MATTER WHAT!! I love her deeply so it killed me when I told her. Truly, a little piece of me died. I told her what was going on and she cried and then I cried because she was crying, so here we are a big fat crying mess. But as her usual, she said we will get through this together.....and I believe her. Kate said she will be my "medical person" to make decisions because she knows my wishes and said she won't feel guilty if she does have to make that decision. That's my greatest fear is that whoever I asked to be my medical decision maker would feel guilty it they had to "pull the plug" per se, but she assured me she wouldn't feel guilty because she knows she would be doing what I want. Whew.....we shouldn't have to be having to talk like this for another 30 years! Wow....I've written 5 pages already and only the tippy tip of the internal iceberg has been touched. So many thoughts.....nothing like being smacked in the face with your own mortality, but hey, you play the cards you're dealt, you go out swingin', whatever saying works for you! Mine is the Serenity Prayer and I pray I have the serenity to cope throughout this next chapter of my life.
Written on 1/22/07 at 3:10 pm
The only time I cry is when I think of my family in all this. My tears are not for myself. It makes me so very sad already for what I have put my family through in the last 2 years and now this! I so much hate to worry them. First with getting so sick in May 2005 and going to the hospital with what turned out to be an abscess on my spleen, hyperthyroidism and low potassium level from the thyroid. That led to a 12 day hospital stay and a long recovery but then I had to undergo treatment for the thyroid (radioactive iodine). Did I get the right amount of iodine and is this linked to my cancer? Well that was a scary sentence. The scary part was "my cancer". Nothing like taking full ownership of something you don't even want!! Anyways.....all the above thyroid treatment led to 8 long months of thyroid eye disease which made the swelling in my eyes to cause near blindness in my left eye besides making my face blow up like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float. It actually took about a bit more than a year to clear up that whole mess, which was only about 4 months ago and now this!! So you can see how much I've made my family worry about me and now this is the real icing on the cake. I've been in pain 10 years now from my cervical injury....but manageable pain. Hell, we went to Las Vegas for the Christmas of 2005 and I didn't slow anyone down! I learned to live with it and tried not to complain too much. But I love my family too much to drop this nuclear bomb on them. Like I said before I had to tell Mom which broke my heart and then I told Kate which broke it even more. I can't live with this secret too much longer as doctor appts./ tests etc. will get too crazy and besides I am such a BAD liar. I find it very difficult to lie.....even lies of omission. It goes against my nature and they say if you are going to be a liar, you need a good memory so you can remember what you lied about and I have the world's worst memory, so that's a good thing!! My tailbone is hurting like a bee-otch right now, so gonna take some meds.
Written on 1/22/07 at 6:00 pm
How do you tell someone you have Cancer? The dreaded disease of all time, except maybe for AIDS. I didn't even cry today when the doctor told me.....I had an almost eerie calm inside. When we were leaving though, I was at the desk waiting for the referrals while Mom went to get the car and bring it up. The girl at the desk handed me the referrals and looked into my eyes and said "I'm so sorry for you.....I wish you the best". NOW THAT made me cry! The sorrow for a stranger (me) and the pity I saw in her eyes is what started me crying. I need to pray for strength.....for telling this to others. Boy, lots of big lessons from this coming, I can almost feel a tsunami wave moving towards me....closer and closer. I'm already being made to address the "asking for help" syndrome I suffer from!! I have always absolutely hated asking for help and prided myself on my independence. Never really cared too much for people that couldn't take care of themselves. Now, for the last 6 weeks anyway, I have had to ask for help.....even doing simple things like getting the newspaper and feeding the dogs because my flexibility "just ain't there" and it looks like it won't be returning anytime soon. I am still wearing the back brace and walking with a cane! But the asking for help thing? I hate this about myself, but I feel humiliated every time I ask for help. I feel worthless every time I ask for help. My rational mind knows that we all need help from time to time and those I depend on swear it's no bother, yet why do I hate it so? As I said before, big life lessons in store for me. Being independent is a wonderful quality until it interferes and makes you helpless. Another paradox, huh? I have a feeling it's only the beginning. I'm not ready to address telling my daughters yet so I feel like I'm lying to them. But timing is everything and I want to have all the facts, beginning to end before I tell them, and I don't even have them for me yet.