Monday, April 28, 2008

Do I really have Cancer?

I'm still getting used to the idea that I really have cancer. It's sort of like getting stuck in a bad dream I need to wake up from or having a time bomb strapped to my waist and not knowing when it will go off. I have some days, that I realize there are blocks of time unaccounted for and I know that sounds weird. I think during those times I fantasize.......not that kind LOL! I see myself crossing the finishing line of a cancer walk.......I see myself at a daughter's wedding.......I see grandchildren and do things with the kids that my Mom has done with mine. And other times, I wonder what treatment will be like. Will it hurt? How long will it last? Will it work? I will say, that without a shred of doubt, that I am so thankful it is me that has to go through this and no one else in my family. I hope this is a trade off that I will be the only one and I'm "taking one for the team". When I have the cancer, I feel as if there is some sort of control I have, where, if it was another family member, I would feel so helpless. I'm kinda having weird thoughts these days, huh? I'm just "keepin it real" folks and sharing the journey as it felt for me. I'm just so concerned for the feelings that my family are having right now. In a previous entry I told you that I started chemo (on March 19, 2007 to be exact) and the first one, Thalidomide, didn't work, so I was put on a newer drug called Revlamid which did bring down my cancer cells. What I didn't mention was that when I had dropped of my prescription at the pharmacy and went to pick it up the next day and for the chemo alone my CO-PAY was $2,339.34. Are you F'ing kidding me? Are you F'ing serious? Who has that kind of money? For a co-pay?? And on top of everything else you have to jump through so many hoops to even dispense this drug because it is so harmful and I had to answer a questionnaire once a month. So I told my (wonderful) nurse Dawn that I couldn't afford chemo and she gave me a number of an organization that helps people in this position. So I gave them a call and within a week I had my chemo in my hot little hands. God's work I am sure. To me, just more proof (and I didn't really need proof, I swear) that the Universe listens to and answers prayers and believe me, it wasn't the first time I have been a recipient of a miracle. And just to let you know how BIG this actual miracle is.....the cost of the newer chemo, Revlamid that I have been on for 9 months now costs $7,657.00 a MONTH.....21 pills). How bout them drug companies huh? I've been doing alot of meditation and visualization lately (part of my missing hours I was talking about earlier) . My sister, (the BEST in the world), presented me with these awesome CD'S with guided relaxation and meditation on them. I've always meditated, but these are different, as they are geared to what I am going through and they are really really wonderful tools. Do you know that my sister even bought me this laptop that I am writing this from?? I had been wanting one for a long time, as I only had my desk top and sitting at the desk is not the most comfortable position when you have a broken back and a hole in your pelvis! She bought it for me so I could sit up in bed or on the couch and be comfortable. What a surprise for me......and how thoughtful was that? My money in the bank had started to shrink by very large amounts between co-pays on doctor visits, hospital tests and procedures and medication alone, not to mention a bunch of other stuff. She's the best in so many ways I can't even count. My daughter Lindsay came home one weekend and surprised me with an I-POD! Oh my gosh, I'm actually in the 21st century now with all my gadgets!! Linz and I had so much fun finding the music to download for my I-Pod and she did all that for me so now I can take that to Tampa and rock out while having chemo!! Chemo, the oral kind I was taking even has it's ugly side effects though. I am EXTREMELY FATIGUED........some days it so difficult to even reposition myself in bed. My bloodcounts are on a roller coaster ride.....sometimes I require injections to increase either my white blood cells or my red blood cells and even both. I've lost a bunch of weight because the chemo takes away my appetite or the food itself makes me really nauseous. I've gotten down to 98 pounds at one point. One time I became so anemic I had to go to the doctors office every day for 10 days to get an injection! It's also responsible for some hellacious (ha ha....spell check freaked at that word) constipation. But ya know guys.....all in all I think I'm doing really really really well. I thank God every day for what I have and who is in my life. As the saying goes............"It's all Good".

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