Friday, April 25, 2008

During the Week after Diagnosis....

This one entry is about a week's worth of "pathetic little pad of paper" writings all mushed together. I'm trying as quickly at I can to get to "real time" because I want to document the Bone Marrow Transplant as it happens......but here I'm getting ahead of myself, as usual! My 1st entry within that week: Mumbo Jumbo day for me with thoughts flicking in and out of my head so a serpents tongue. I'm very confused and having an increase in pain today which could be because I spent alot of time on my feet yesterday, the stress of dealing with my primary care physician's office (do they only hire morons?), the mental part of this Cancer thing, which of course connects to the physical or it could be just the natural progression of the Cancer. I don't even know the kind of Cancer I have yet! I know a big part of the equation will be my "mental state".....a positive outlook is an absolute must, but I've thankfully always looked at the positive side things, or the lessons to be learned. Not that I haven't had my share of pissy days too, don't get me wrong, and for those I apologize and regret, but I think overall I try to be a positive person. I will focus more on that, as I want to be a role model for others as well as myself. I had to go the hospital at 8:00 am this morning and get a shot of radioactive material for a test that I have to go back for at 1:00 pm. My wonderful mom is again my chauffeur for all these appts. I hate the way I am having her life so focused on me right now, and I know it's tearing her up and makes her sad and heartbroken that I am going through this. I'm being kinda selfish about it too, because I am treasuring every moment I have with her. She is and always has been my Rock. I'm a lucky gal too because not only do I love my mom but I like her too, and for that I am so grateful. It's just so horrible that a mother has to hear this kind of news about their child, no matter how old the child is!! If I was sitting in a doctors office hearing the things that she is hearing.....and I was hearing it about one of my daughters? Well, I don't know how well I would handle it. I would hope that I would be just as loving, strong, thoughtful and caring as she is about me. This entry is a few days later: I'm really emotional tonite, being petrified about the CT guided bone marrow biopsy tomorrow. Thankfully I have been rather "phone busy" these last few days between setting up appts., changing from an HMO to a PPO (I think that''s going to be the best move for me right brilliant sister's idea) and just getting information clarified,has kept my mind occupied. Ahhhhhh...a blessing in disguise? Well, it has kept me from feeling the way I do right now! I think I'm having a mini anxiety attack because I feel like I have a literal lump in my throat and I feel like I can't breathe. I'm doing some S-L-O-W breathing and that's helping a bit. It feels a little like you're getting ready to face a firing squad or getting strapped into the electric chair......a feeling of impending doom. The larger percent of me is feeling positive, but I'm also a realist. And it's really not so much about the actual biopsy itself, it's just that the results of this biopsy will literally dictate what the rest of my life will be like and even maybe how long that life will be, depending on what kind of cancer I have. This will be the definitive test of the kind of cancer. Wow, how scary is that? and ha ha ha....I used to have this thing about elevators (claustrophobic, remember?) so now....piece a cake.....piece a cake. LOL..... I'm calming down now.....the writing is helping. There is nowhere to hide from fear, no matter where you go or what you try to do, you're stuck by yourself and your thoughts. The only thing to do is face it head on and it either turns out to be something not as scary as you thought, which makes you grow as a person, or it's even scarier than you thought, but you still have to handle it anyway, which makes you grow as a person. It's all about the lessons, it's just that some SUCK more than others!

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