Friday, December 12, 2008

Started......but not Finished

I finally finished all jewelry related tasks and got all items put away, which is a really good thing considering I had practically every flat surface strewn with all my materials I was working with! There's even a place to sit down and eat now, without carefully moving things around! I did have a Dr. Nair appt on Wed 12/10, with the usual bloodwork drawn and again the CBC labs all came back normal as it has been.....even those pesky little platelets. My RBC's still haven't reached normal levels yet, but they aren't low enough to receive a shot to boost them, which I have had to do in the past, so really all is well in my little corner of the world. In my once a month visits now, they always draw 2 they test right there in the office (the CBC) and one they send out to a lab that does the "cancer" bloodwork thing. He also gave me a scrip for my dreaded once a month "pee" test, which I'll have done before my next appt in January. That's the test I have anxiety about, as the dreaded little Bence Jones (cancer cells) guys usually show up there first. Again, once you have cancer, you always have cancer......whether it's active or not, it is always there. Just something to live with. It sucks......and oh well for me. Dr. Nair said he thinks I look really healthy, and even despite this cold I STILL HAVE, my chest is clear and he's really happy with how things are going since my transplant. I will be 7 months post transplant on 12/15!! Even though I have been really busy, which is a good thing, when I stop and get quiet, I realize I do have this little knot in the pit of my stomach and again, I believe it goes back to the thinking that the farther away I get from transplant, the closer I get to relapse. I want you to understand, that I'm not focusing on that, or dwelling on that, or obsessed by's just a fact that it will happen. I belong to a few websites about MM which send me lots of great info about studies and clinical trials and new therapies for MM, and the latest things I've read look very promising for me. The latest study indicated that the majority of patients treated with my chemo and the BMT have a 3 year period before relapse occurs. That's a long time folks in the MM world. Prior to these newer drugs and treatments, if you got 1 year, you were doing good, that's how ugly and aggressive this kind of cancer is. So, I plan on even extending that 3 year goal personally :) I'm thinking that maybe that little knot in my stomach is just my way of reminding myself that every day IS a gift......don't get cocky and forget you have MM as when it does rear it's ugly head again, I will be somewhat prepared, rather than having been in denial and it hitting me like a ton of bricks when it returns. Quite a tightrope I have to walk huh? On the one hand, if I think about it all the time (not my style anyway), it prevents you from living your life in the present, and on the other hand if you deny it's existance, when (not a question of is a when) it does return, I would be so blown away, it would be like getting the cancer news all over again. So it seems as if my only choice is to be stuck in the middle of constantly acknowledging it, while also actively living my life. And who said I couldn't juggle? LOL Physically I can only juggle 2 things, metaphorically......oh.....about a dozen or so!! I started putting up the tree yesterday, but had to stop because of oh yeah....FRIGGIN LIGHTS! LOL....I have to say, I have been very lucky re: the light thing for a long time now. I've had the same lights for about 10 years....which may be a Guiness World Record (I'll have to look into that)....but alas, my luck ran out this year and some didn't work...some only 1/2 the know the drill I'm after screwing around with strand after strand and replacing bulb after bulb, etc......I finally said screw it....tossed the ones that didn't work and will be running out shortly to get more lights for the tree. I say I've had a damn good run with those lights, so I'm not complaining, except I did waste about 3 hours trying to get them to work before finally tossing them! I am stubborn, aren't I? That quality serves me well sometimes.....and sometimes not! LOL to get more lights, and when that's done, I'll concentrate on decorating the rest of the house, shopping and baking.....the FUN stuff! I'll take a photo of the tree when all the NEW LIGHTS are on.....and if I didn't mention it, my tree is 13 feet tall, so I have a shitload of lights to buy and hang! LOL.....I know what the rest of my day looks like.

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