Friday, June 12, 2009

Body & Mind Struggles.....

I've said on my last few entries, how absolutely fatigued I have been feeling. I had my weekly Dr. bloodwork appt yesterday and found out why I have been feeling so horrid. To make the story short...I have another UTI that is kicking my RBC are so low that I have severe anemia but could get away with just a shot for it this time and not require a transfusion, but was right on the line with it, and I have low potassium. Each one of these by itself could give the normal person to feel fatigued, but when it's a person with an underlying disease process and then you add ALL 3 to the mix....well no wonder I have been complaining of feeling so bad this last week. Just so bone tired. Tired to move around. Tired. Tired. Tired. As referenced to in my May 26th entry, my ability to "override" the sad/negative feelings you feel when your body is not feeling well, was something I was going to be working on. It's easier to stay positive when you are feeling good, or shoot, I'll not even push the envelope, and go as far to say even feeling decent in my world, contributes to maintaining a positive outlook.... Well, as the "old joke" goes, watch what you pray for (oh yeah.....insert a 1/2 hearted chuckle here), as I am being put to my own test in working on that area, as for the last week I have been on a physical downward spiral again, with the struggle to remain in a positive state of mind, struggling along with my body. I don't know really what to call it exactly, as I don't feel that it's so much a "negativity" that takes over the "positivity" per se, so I really don't know what to call it exactly. I would describe the symptoms as I cry easy, thoughts of "I'm so tired of being tired" roll around in my brain, so I suppose that could come under feeling sorry for myself, I look around at simple (ie. sweep, laundry, vacuum etc) things to be done in the house and just let them go as I don't have the energy to even do these small tasks, so this contributes to feeling angry at the inability to perform. Literally this week, I have been unable to walk down my driveway (it is a long one, but no excuse) and get the newspaper to read in the morning. I have had to drive myself down and then check the mailbox for any mail from the day before because if I didn't have the energy to get the paper, I certainly didn't have it to go back down and check the mail in the pathetic is all that? So that in turn also adds some anger. And then what I guess I am calling a lack of positivity, is due to the inability to do the things I want or need to do. This in turn pisses me off to no end....that lack of control I am having over all these little physical set-backs are pissing me off, the physical effects I am having from these infections and low whatevers, all swirl around together and effect my attitude. I use this as my forum for talking about my true feelings, as to talk them over with family or friends....well dang, with this disease you can begin to sound like a broken record, so I don't even like to mention things, yet when asked the direct question (which my Mom & Linz do EVERYDAY).."how are you feeling?" (that's a loaded question to someone in a daily battle it seems), well hell, I'm such a bad liar, so I answer their question, as vaguely as possible when NOT having a good day, although not all the time. I suppose it all goes back to feeling that lack of control of what it going on with my body. I struggle with maintaining a positive attitude right now, but I'm not gonna lie. It's hard to have my mind over-ride the physical aches and pains and fatigue that I am feeling right now. They say that knowing the problem is 1/2 the battle, so I know that I need to work on this. Earlier today I felt myself giving in to tears and sadness, so I made the house quiet and read my meditations, and then brought out my little hand held meditation balls (thanks Patty) and just concentrated on my breathing. Slowly in and out. Sending healing light throughout my body. I began to settle down and back away from the tears. Focusing on the might and my breath. Getting further away from tears. I focused for about 30 min when I began to feel better. So that's what I did today to attempt to bring back a positive focus, and yes, I did feel better for awhile, and as the day ticks on, I'm starting to feel draggy again, but will continue to use the tools I possess to engage in this battle for my head and heart over my body. There are way way worse things I could be dealing with when it comes to my body, so yes, all in all, in the big picture, I'm just pissing and moaning over the small stuff, I know. And for that I am thankful, and is a huge contributor to one of the main reasons I don't stay where I am mentally right now for very long. This is small stuff I will move on from, but here is where I promised to share my journey honestly.

1 comment:

Susan said...

You can cry and feel sorry for your self..there is nothing wrong with that.Shed the tears and get rid of the frustrations with in.Feeling tired is something that takes control of your whole body plus everything else. Praying things get better..let the laundry and the dust gather..they're not going anywhere..they will be there tomorrow or next week. Take it easy and let your body much for scolding you...xoxo
susy Q