Sunday, May 24, 2009

Feeling Kinda Low.....

I haven't had such a good week this week, although I'm trying my damndest to "shake it off" and "buck up". I receive emails from several organizations about the disease of Multiple Myeloma, that are full of new information, new drugs, clinical trials etc., basically being very informative about my disease. I've always believed in being an "informed consumer", whether it's buying a product or knowing about your disease. When I was first diagnosed in January of 2007, I searched and researched about this disease, joined online support groups and generally and specifically looked up what it all meant, from lab work results to tests and everything in between. I also think that just having "celebrated" (!?!?) the one year Anniversary of my Bone Marrow Transplant, lots of things have risen to the surface for me in the last week. In addition.....a dear friend, who is one month ahead of me in transplant world, just found out that he too, has relapsed so he is back again on this crazy merry-go-round of cancer world. While reading some of those articles on MM, I came across one that hit me hard. Really hard. A very matter of fact article about death for MM patients, and it outlined pretty much what would happen and why. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I read it, because I don't want any surprises, but it did cast a shadow over how I thought I was handling my disease. It also stated that the "median" age from time of diagnosis until death is 3-5 years, and I am on the 2 1/2 year mark, which in all reality, brings me closer to what is going to be my reality. It made me realize how I can't keep put off getting my affairs in order. It's time. I don't want to sound morbid, it's just where I am right now, and I know you never stay in one place forever, so I do know I will move out of this funk, but honestly, aren't I entitled to be sad sometimes and scared? I am both right now. Denial can be wonderful thing, but you can only do it so long, and no matter how much you want to keep it, reality comes a knockin' with a vengeance. I plan on outliving the "expiration date" label they put on this disease and will fight as hard as I am able, but I also need to be prepared, as you never know what will happen. Like right now, I physically feel really crappy..I have what I think is a sinus infection, the node on the left side of my neck is so swollen it hurts to move my head and swallow and then to top it all off, it burned when I peed this morning, so I may be working on another UTI. That's what happens with MM....your resistance to infections of all kinds decreases because we have a cancer of the immune system. Isn't this the most ironic cancer to have? I have a cancer of the part of my body that fights infections, so my body can't even help in fighting the cancer I have! I really haven't talked about this much till now, although I did send my sister the article about death from MM, because I thought she could handle it out of everyone. I had to laugh though, as she writes back that yes, she too is in denial and wants to keep it fully intact! Ahhhhhhhhhh..what a great defense mechanism it is! So that's where I am today....not feeling physically well, completely exhausted and fatigued for no reason (just finished my 2nd round of chemo so this is my off week) and mentally, I guess I need a break from the ongoing fight, so I'm giving in to tears and feeling sad.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you are entitled a few tears now and again...let the bad energy go and renew your spirit..

Love and Prayers
Tam

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Susan said...

Hang in there girly...things will start looking up. We all don't know what the future has in store for us but hang on to today...one day at a time...xoxo

Sid said...

Shed some tears, get rid of the negatives. 3 to 5 years, just another boundary to walk over.
I have been following your blog for some time now Jan, like your words from the heart.
Sid