Monday, March 16, 2009

Wow....Don't know how to tell you this....

Yesterday was my 10 month Bone Marrow Transplant Anniversary. As you read in my last post I was feeling quite nervous about the "pee test" I had done and had an appt with Dr. Nair last Thursday, March 12th, to go over the results of my urine test. The reason you have a urine test is that MM cells get secreted into the urine so it is a "first line" tell, if your cancer has returned. If any MM cells are found in the urine, they then take blood for a very intensive scrutinized blood test to see what and how many cancer cells have returned. Up to this point, as I have reported to you, all systems were a go, thumbs up, atta girl etc etc etc. I even skipped a months visit at the oncologist office because my urine was coming back with ZERO MM cells. I had this deep down, gut feeling that something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones (no pun intended :) I even experienced my first ever anxiety attack the sunday before I had my doctor's appt as I just felt that something I was wrong. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my pulse was sky high, heart beating out of my chest. It was no fun at all and quite scary, as I've never had an anxiety attack before. I just felt it. I knew. Well, Dr. Nair so sadly reported that yes, once again my cancer has returned. I am so sorry ya'll. I am so angry, and hurt and frustrated. I put myself and my family through the whole BMT process and for what? 9 months basically. 9 months of cancer free life. That's it. It was "supposed" to give me about 3-5 years hopefully. At least a couple of years. There are no guarantees with this horrible ugly blood cancer, as I have found out first hand. I have alot more processing and thinking to do about how this situation is effecting my life and of course my family's. I am again, so sorry. I just ask once again, for your prayers and support. I know I'm beginning to be a real pain in the ass, so I appreciate your patience with asking, but without hope and prayers, I don't know where I would be. I don't have much more to say right now, except that I am going back on my old chemotherapy regime of Revlamid, coumadin (the chemo causes blood clots) and dexamethasone (a steriod that helps the chemo work more effectively), and really just go from there. At this point we do not know how bad (or good?) the situation is until we receive the results of the blood work taken and shipped off to the lab. The results will tell us exactly how many cancer cells have returned and how aggressive it is being. I also am scheduled for an entire body bone scan as the last bout of cancer gave me 2 tumors, one in my pelvis and one on my spine that fractured 2 vertebrae, so we need to see if there are any more "hot spots" trying to grow a tumor. I can't let my mind go pretty much past this point right now. I can literally only take ONE MINUTE at a time and handle that time period as best I can. I will post more and keep you informed and once again, prayers please...with a vengeance. Love to you all

5 comments:

wildebeth said...

Jan, you have nothing to apologize for. Your strength and grace are an inspiration.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love,Beth

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU....You are going to beat this and live a long, wonderful LIFE....we're in this together babe....Your angels are by your side.....Love, Kate

Anonymous said...

You always have our love and prayers. I am here for you if you need a friend, someone fresh, someone who has done nothing to help. Don't give up and don't apologize. I Love you and hope you will call me day or night. You are always in my prayers. Bobbie

Susan said...

I'm here for you dearie...just remember you are not walking this alone...Susan

Anonymous said...

Jan, So sorry to hear. We've been praying the whole time, we won't stop now....
Love, Tam