4th Dose of Chemo Tonite......

It's been 3 nites that I have taken the Revlamid an Coumadin and this Friday will be when I add the Dex. So far, in 3 days I have noticed a slight change in my taste buds, a slight numbness in my lips and the thought of food kinda skeeves me out! How I could tell about the taste buds as that I am addicted to Starbucks Vanilla Frappacino, the kind you can buy at the grocery store. You can also but it at Starbucks, but I usually just pick it up when doing my regular grocery shopping. I opened one up today and took about 3 sips and thought " they must have messed up this batch as it tastes watered down. So I opened another and WAA LAAAAAAAAAAA......watered down too. I remember the first time around I stopped buying Starbucks because they tasted gross and switched to just water (saved me money! LOL) as water seemed to be the only thing that quenched my thirst and believe me I drank gallons!! At lease lost of water helps with flushing out kidneys etc. so I really didn't miss the Frappacino. Yesterday I noticed a slight tingly felling in upper and lower lips, so we'll see where that leads us. And lastly, I had planned to make a pasta dish tonite for dinner, but when I got the ingredients out it was just gross. No other way to describe it. So I put those back and thought...."what can I eat that's bland, plain and simple. So I toasted a bagel and put some peanut butter on it, and here it sits, but I promise I'll gag it down if I have to, as I'm up to 106 lbs. and I'll be damned (if I can help it) to get back to a lowly 93 lbs. So all of this happening on just 3 days of chemo has me concerned, but I'll see where it takes me. Meanwhile....Let's Eat and Cheers.......

Chemo Arrived Today.....

Well, what do ya know? All the hoops I jumped through a few days ago, paid off, as UPS delivered my chemo (Revlamid) around noon today. I must confess I had a bit of an anxiety attack again after the Rev was delivered....didn't last for too long, but felt my heart starting to race and a little shortness of breath. I also had to run to the pharmacy here, as my doctor called in 2 prescriptions I have to take with the chemo.....I needed to pick up my coumadin (blood thinner) and dexamethasone (a steriod that gives the chemo a little extra boost), so I could start the whole regime over again tonight. This merry-go-round sucks. The horses on it are ugly. I don't like it.

Feeling Better.....

Part of the problem yesterday, is I was dead ass tired, and didn't even realize it. Either I was tired first, which made me feel the way I did, OR feeling those emotions made me tired. Which is it.... Chicken or egg? All I know is, I got settled into bed to watch some TV before going to sleep, and the next thing I know, I wake up and the TV's going and the show I was watching was something I had taped (I have a Tivo type of recorder) and I have no recollection of what it was about at all! Usually I'll watch a few hours of TV before turning off the lights and calling it a day, but last night? I have no idea! After watching a recorded show, I'll delete it, but this morning the show was still there, so I must have almost passed out the minute my my head touched the pillow. Feel rested today and none of the ugly feelings are there......maybe a titch of anxiety and frustration around the "getting the chemo crap" straightened out, but other than that, all's well. Thank you all for EVERYTHING.

Today I am.....

Today I am:
1. Sad
2. Stressed
3. Frustrated
4. Anxious

All 4 of these emotions I cannot afford.

Long Day.....

Full of hassle day.....trompin through the maze of paperwork to get my meds.....can't get started on chemo till we jump through all the hoops they make you jump through. Was on the phone for over 4 hours today talkin to this person and that person. You have to be your own advocate and make all these calls yourself and then re- call these people to make sure they follow through (do the job they get paid to do). Not A GOOD DAY....had a headache when I got through with the calls.

Tomorrows.....

When we say "tomorrow" I don't think we know what a powerful word it is. Tomorrow, of course, means the day after today and we usually use it in the context of "I will be doing (fill in the blank) tomorrow" or "we are going to (fill in the blank) tomorrow". We always assume that there really will be a tomorrow, don't we? But how do your know? How do you really know that tomorrow will ever come? Of course, up to this point, tomorrow has always come, so we take it for granted, and rightfully so as "tomorrow" hasn't not come through for us yet! One of the greatest old show tunes of all time is from the stage play ANNIE, which it titled "Tomorrow" (it's only a day away)......got ya singin didn't I? hee hee I'm sure it was written because tomorrow hold soooooooo much promise!! Tomorrow we can do the things we didn't get to do today. Tomorrow gives us an automatic "do-over" if you need to make amends or correct a wrong. Tomorrow holds the key to turning life around. Tomorrow can make us feel anxious (ie job interview tomorrow).....Tomorrow can make us
feel happy (meeting with the "girls" for coffee or a drink).......I don't think there is another word that can take the place of or be substituted for the word tomorrow.....at least not one I can think of in my vocabulary. And for me, tomorrow may be the day they find something to really help in finding a cure for Multiple Myeloma. So my fervent wish would be to have the ability to string a whole bunch of "tomorrows" together and live long enough by stringing all those "tomorrows" together so I will have time. I just need time. My faith is strong, my attitude and outlook positive....all the things I can control I will, all in the most graceful encouraging and hopeful way I can.....I just need a bunch of tomorrows, because I cannot control the passage of time.....I just need a bunch of tomorrows.

The Inevitable.....

I knew from the "get go" that the nature of Multiple Myeloma is to relapse. They told me this on day #1, and with the great promise of having a Bone Marrow Transplant, the odds of returning were at least farther away then having no BMT done at all. HA..... I say to that! I've always been one to beat the odds in many situations, but in this particular thing I wanted to beat the odds ON THE OTHER END>>> ie, having to GO LONGER before relapse, not sooner than the 1-3 years it was "supposed" to give me. So now all I'm left with right now, is an active cancer and I must find my way along this long and tortouous road to make peace and embrace the Cancer Monster. When you're little you hide under the covers when you "see" a monster, but what do you do when you see a monster when you are an adult? And it REALLY IS a monster? Well, I suppose I could hide under the covers. Tempting. But in reality I'll at least have to come out and pee and get something to drink, so then EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK......there's the monster again. SO the only thing left to do is face the monster and make peace with the monster as it will literally be with me the rest of my life. So what I'm currently working on is shaking hands with the monster although clearly making sure he/she understands I am still a mighty foe to deal with, but also let it know that it doesn't scare me. No hiding under the covers for me. Battles and going to war, which is really what I'm doing just reminds me of how strong I must be to fight. You don't really comprehend how very strong you are until you have to prove it. Now, I'm not gonna lie.....the feeling of being vulnerable is beyond words, but then so is my determination and stubborness to beat this. I have too many things to do yet, to allow this monster to scare me and force me under the covers. Besides, I can't stand the dog hair on the covers! LOL

Bone Survey Results.....

Mom and I went to pick up my Bone Survey Results and then spend a little time shopping for a few things at Bealls. (I thought of you Patty :) I needed a few little things like a little rug at the doorway between my garage and laundry room, the kind that won't skid on you as it will go on top of tile, to cut down on the crap that gets tracked into the house on your shoes. My house is mainly tile, and I swear, I just don't know how the tile gets so dirty and full of leaves, etc since it's only me and the dogs living here. I'm gonna blame it on the dogs! LOL I read the Bone Survey results and what I can see, it's good news in that there are more no active lesions/tumors forming. Of course the results were compared to a prior Bone Scan and there were mentions here and there of worsening when compared to prior scans, with more degenerative changes noted and a worsening of the compression fracture in the lumbar area from the tumor that was created from my first bout of cancer, BUT to quote..."the rest of the bones show no evidence of abnormal lytic lesions (tumors) to suggest the metastasis of myeloma". So YAY.......at least I will not have to receive radiation and can go straight (do not pass go....hee hee) to just getting on with the chemotherapy, and see where this takes us. Still waiting to receive the call from my Chronic Disease Fund's Pharmacy to see when I can expect the chemo to get here and start making a schedule for taking it. It's 3 weeks on and 1 week off I remember, but due to chemo brain, I'll need a remedial course in the taking of the coumadin and dex as I can't remember if I still took those on my week off or not. Oh well, please keep the prayers coming and I'll keep you up to date when I know what's up and I will be writing lots more as there's tons of stuff swirling around in this brain of mine......

Here We Go Again.....

Today I went to have my bone survey done, which is basically a set of x-rays of my entire body so they can see if there are any places in which the Multiple Myeloma Cells have decided to gather and have a "tumor growing Party". Just being there brought back a flood of memories, and I'm thinkin to myself....."shit.....here we go again". The same routines, repeat themselves like an old black and white movie that flutters. I feel like wearing one of those sandwich board signs that says "I HAVE CANCER SO I KNOW THE DRILL"! LOL
The same things happen.....being escorted down a hall by an X-ray Tech telling me to remove my clothes and jewelry, how to put the gown on (that's always a helpful reminder though as there are so many friggin strings and openings, if you don't get it right your Bum or Hoo-Ha will be flashing down the hall. LOL Here's the key for your locker to put your personal items in and be sure to lock it and bring the key with you and when we're done, please remove the gown and place it in the laundry basket when you have your clothes back on. During the body scan it's "Don't Move"....."Hold your Breathe"...."Now Breathe". All of the awkward body positions you have to get into to get the correct angle. The coldness and sterile look of the room. The back breaking hard table you have to lay on and when your bones stick out at your hips, due to no body fat, well, it's not too comfortable. Good thing though is it doesn't last long, as it's over pretty quick but they did have to repeat the upper body head & cervical as I had forgotten to remove my teeny upper ear piercing so I guess I messed up the x-rays from the metal. I forgot the little earring in there so OOOOOOOOOOPS....sorry bout that! My Mom came over a bit after I got home with her adorable new little puppy Abby, so we visited for awhile and then I finished the shredding of old bank papers and other info that is part of my spring fling cleaning process. It's funny that a few of my friends have emailed me and said OMG why are you still cleaning and doing all that hard work after just getting such crappy news? I would love to sound like Martha Stewart and say that's just what you do during spring cleaning, and yes.....that's part of it, but I think the bigger part is the compulsion to not leave a big fat mess that family will have to sort through when I get sick or die. I'd rather leave a clean house with everything in order, with important papers all together and labeled for "easy reading". Guess that's it for now......I will be going to the X-ray facility tomorrow to pick up the results and see what they have to say. My usual MO is to pick up any kind of results and read them myself, so I know what's going on NOW. I get quite impatient about waiting for lab or test results, and again, being an "informed consumer" gives me some time to digest what the results are so when I go to see Dr. Nair (which won't be for about 2 weeks), I'll know what if any questions I need answered. I am supposed to hear from the Pharmacy that dispenses my chemotherapy sometime this week to set up a delivery day, so these results are important to know right away as you can't be on chemo and have radiation at the same time, so IF there are any tumors growing they would want to ZAP them first and then begin chemo. So, fingers crossed there are no Tumor Parties going on so I can go straight to the chemo. Sheesh....never thought those words would come out of my mouth.......ready to get started on Chemotherapy!!! See how the world of Cancer is so topsy turvy, convoluted and crazy?

Wow....Don't know how to tell you this....

Yesterday was my 10 month Bone Marrow Transplant Anniversary. As you read in my last post I was feeling quite nervous about the "pee test" I had done and had an appt with Dr. Nair last Thursday, March 12th, to go over the results of my urine test. The reason you have a urine test is that MM cells get secreted into the urine so it is a "first line" tell, if your cancer has returned. If any MM cells are found in the urine, they then take blood for a very intensive scrutinized blood test to see what and how many cancer cells have returned. Up to this point, as I have reported to you, all systems were a go, thumbs up, atta girl etc etc etc. I even skipped a months visit at the oncologist office because my urine was coming back with ZERO MM cells. I had this deep down, gut feeling that something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones (no pun intended :) I even experienced my first ever anxiety attack the sunday before I had my doctor's appt as I just felt that something I was wrong. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my pulse was sky high, heart beating out of my chest. It was no fun at all and quite scary, as I've never had an anxiety attack before. I just felt it. I knew. Well, Dr. Nair so sadly reported that yes, once again my cancer has returned. I am so sorry ya'll. I am so angry, and hurt and frustrated. I put myself and my family through the whole BMT process and for what? 9 months basically. 9 months of cancer free life. That's it. It was "supposed" to give me about 3-5 years hopefully. At least a couple of years. There are no guarantees with this horrible ugly blood cancer, as I have found out first hand. I have alot more processing and thinking to do about how this situation is effecting my life and of course my family's. I am again, so sorry. I just ask once again, for your prayers and support. I know I'm beginning to be a real pain in the ass, so I appreciate your patience with asking, but without hope and prayers, I don't know where I would be. I don't have much more to say right now, except that I am going back on my old chemotherapy regime of Revlamid, coumadin (the chemo causes blood clots) and dexamethasone (a steriod that helps the chemo work more effectively), and really just go from there. At this point we do not know how bad (or good?) the situation is until we receive the results of the blood work taken and shipped off to the lab. The results will tell us exactly how many cancer cells have returned and how aggressive it is being. I also am scheduled for an entire body bone scan as the last bout of cancer gave me 2 tumors, one in my pelvis and one on my spine that fractured 2 vertebrae, so we need to see if there are any more "hot spots" trying to grow a tumor. I can't let my mind go pretty much past this point right now. I can literally only take ONE MINUTE at a time and handle that time period as best I can. I will post more and keep you informed and once again, prayers please...with a vengeance. Love to you all

Spring Cleaning.....Outside and Inside

I'm starting to go on my "Spring Cleaning Spree".....in more ways than one. I wanted to start on my bedroom and I mean REALLY go through it all. Closet, desk, dressers, bathroom......ALL OF IT. By the way, why is it always the bigger the room, the more crap winds up in there. My bedroom is huge......about 20 ft x 20 ft., so there's lots of places " to stick stuff". Basically I'm an organized person too, so I'm really a paradox, because it's really an organized mess. For instance, rather than filing away, say my prescription receipts into a file folder or something, I have them in a pile on my desk. That pile is also next to the pile of insurance papers, which is next the the pile of.....well, you get the picture! This spring cleaning is also just not related to the physical. I'm going through an internal spring cleaning as well, and actually, I prefer the physical spring cleaning! I know I have probably addressed this before, but I've had anxiety about my upcoming PEE TEST that I just dropped off at the lab. I go to see my oncologist this next Thursday and for some reason, I'm having anxiety about the upcoming results. It's like I've said before.....the further away I get from my transplant, the reality is, I become closer to relapse. I think my feeling this way may be for a few reasons, as I've tried to process where these feelings are coming from and why (the therapist in me! LOL). Firstly, since I've been home from the transplant (CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WILL BE 10 MONTHS ON MARCH 15th?), I've seen Dr. Nair every month and gotten the good to go, thumbs up on a monthly basis. This time I've "graduated" and only see him every other month, so now it will be 2 months since I've kept tabs on my body, and that may be a source of some anxiety, having had more time not knowing if I'm doing ok. Another source of anxiety is that I am taking antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, which I haven't had since.......well, if you go back to my very first entry, you'll remember that that was one of the tell tell signs I had MM.....UTI's that kept recurring. I didn't go to the doctor for it though, as Dr. Nair had written me a prescription for Levaquin for just this reason, so as soon I was sure I had the telltale signs, I started on them. But that has me a little concerned since I haven't had one in over 2 years. All of this (physical) spring cleaning though, got me to thinking that I also have alot of loose ends to tie up (everyone should do this anyway.....even if you don't have cancer).....like I need to make a will or whatever that other thing is called (thank you CHEMO BRAIN), I need to arrange for others to be able to access my back accounts, make a list of all credit cards and /or pin #s, internet passwords, etc. and not meaning to sound depressed or morbid, but another thing I want to get arranged and paid for is my cremation. When people die, there's enough grieving going on that the last thing you want to do, is make arrangements, as I know that first hand from my dad dying. He made it so much easier for me and Kate because he too had made prior arrangements and all we had to do was make a phone call and everything was taken care of. I thank him for that, and feel that I too, need to do that as well. Please don't think I'm depressed or anything....far from it actually.....I'm just being a good Girl Scout and "being prepared"...or is that the Boy Scout thing? So, I'll start tomorrow with a good cup of coffee and read the paper and then......spring cleaning again.....inside and outside. :)

Wanted to Share This....

I found this tucked away in one of my books (yes, I'm actually starting to do a little bit of spring cleaning......the operative word being little) :) and after reading it again, I thought I would share it with you. I guess this is why I saved it!

When the "storms" of life
gather darkly ahead
I think of these wonderful words
that I once read

And I say to myself
as threatening clouds hover
"Don't fold your wings and run for cover"

But like the eagle
spread wide your wings
and soar far above
the troubles life brings

For the eagle knows
that the higher he flies
the more tranquil and brighter
become the skies

And there is nothing in life
we were ever asked to bear
that we can't soar above
on the wings of a prayer

And in looking back over
the storm you passed through
You'll find you gained strength
and new courage too.

For in facing life's storms
with an eagle's wings
You can fly far above
Earth's small petty things.

I'm REALLY Full of HATE right now....

I really don't use the word "hate". Never really have used it as a regular word in my vocabulary. I'm not saying I have never ever used the word hate, as in "I hate mashed potatoes" (yes....I know....I'm weird) or "I hate watermelon"......(yes.....again...I know I'm weird), so when I think about it, I don't really use the word "hate" very much at all and the only time I can recall using it, is in regards to food items! The last few days though, I have used the word HATE in regards to cancer.....and not even my cancer! I'll scream it right now though....for ALL to hear......I HATE CANCER. In the last week, it has come to my attention, that 2 very close and dear people are dying from cancer, and I am just so angry that yes, it elicited the word HATE from me......numerous times actually. I mean deep down. Firstly, my dear long time and wonderful friend, who will remain nameless here, due to privacy issues, as I haven't asked for her permission to talk about this using her name, has found out that her Mom who has beat this CANCER Monster twice already in her lifetime, has again been diagnosed with a return to various parts of her body and it just doesn't sound good. She (the Mom) is a very religious person and has handled her past bouts of cancer with grace, confidence and courage......which, as I personally know, is a challenge in and of itself. Secondly, a male friend I know, oh gosh, we go back 35 years, has been diagnosed with not only lung cancer, but liver, brain and a multitude of other organ cancers. Kevin, my ex, called to tell me the news and after we got off the phone, I cried for about 2 hours straight. Really cried. I love this guy....we go back so far and have so many wonderful times and memories together....too many to even remember! The news of these 2 folks battling this horrible disease, just made me so angry and brought the word HATE into my brain. My heart aches for their present and future suffering. My heart aches for their families who are so powerless over this disease. My hear aches because these are good people and yet are consumed with this bad disease. I just had to write and get this out as I cannot stand to keep this HATE inside of me. We, as a people, need to reach out to each and every person who we love and treasure and make sure they know that we do. That's the only weapon I know that can battle cancer. Being together. Showing Love and Support. Talking and Sharing. As a present Cancer survivor myself, I ask that you do these things. Reach out and Hug who is important in your life. Tell them you love them. That's the only internal weapon we have.

Happy Anniversary to Me......

On February 15 it will be my 9 month post Bone Marrow Transplant Anniversary! YAY! I can't believe it has been 9 months already. I am feeling so wonderful, it's hard to believe I was feeling so crappy and literally near death, just 9 short months ago. I'm not gonna lie....it was a hard rocky road I traveled, being on chemo for 14 months prior to the transplant and then the transplant itself, but the rewards I am reaping now makes the journey so well worth it. All of the suffering, the pain and other unmentionable side effects were killers, but all in all, I came through it oh so well, and except for some fatigue here and there and of course the back pain I live with, I am doing so great right now. I am just the most fortunate woman in the whole world and enjoying every new day I have been given. Not a day goes by that I don't give thanks for my family who was taking each and every step with me and never left my side. I pray for all MM patients that they can and will be as fortunate as I have been, in their battle with MM. I am curently "mentoring" a gentleman I met, as he too is a patient of Dr. Nair's (there are only 3 MM patients in his whole practice.....that's how rare this cancer is) and this fellow is also going to Moffitt next month for all his tests and then the scheduling of his BMT, pending results of all testing. Mom and I met with him and his wife for lunch a while ago when he was first diagnosed and kinda walked them through the process of what it will be like, but now that he has his dates all lined up, we'll be meeting again before he goes to give them all the "ins and outs" of life as a BMT patient at Moffitt. I am so glad he is going there as I know who his caretakers and doctors will be so I rest assured that he is in wonderful hands. I feel grateful that I can be of some help to someone going through this as "Multiple Myeloma World" is a scary place to live and it's nice to have a friend along the way. The only thing that sneaks into my consciousness every once in a while is knowing that this wonderful remission will not last forever. You cannot beat Myeloma. It's the devil in disguise. However......I did join a telephone conference sponsored by the LLMS (Leukemia, Lymphoma and Multiple Myeloma Society) last week and heard an MM doctor talk about new and upcoming treatments for MM and when the conference was over I was almost elated (geez....I don't think I've ever used that word before!) at the information he discussed. There are new drugs since I was even diagnosed (2 yrs ago) and many more on the horizon to deal with any relpases that may occur so it made me much less afraid of what the future may hold. I really don't plan on relapsing anyway (wink wink) but I filed the info away so when the time comes I can discuss my options and know what I am talking about. Always be an informed consumer!! So take that MM (punch punch)......you don't know who you messin wif! LOL

Waxing Philosophical, I guess......

The other day I was going thru one of my many "cancer" notebooks that I've kept since I started this journey and came across something I had written in one of my more philosophical moments. This is what I wrote verbatim: " How many times in your life can you look back and see that when things that looked like disasters at the time, turned out to be incredible gifts and became pivotal turning points in your life? We ALL have experienced this so we KNOW this. So I think the "trick" for living a clear life with calmness within and without, is to talk to ourselves and remember to remind ourselves AS THE PERCEIVED DISASTER IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING, that here is another "gift in the making" coming our way."
Easier said then done I know, but......
Nuff said.

Yep...Still Here...and I'm One Grateful Gal.....

These last four weeks have really been a blur for me. Lots of personal "issues" going down around here, but the negatives are slowly but surely turning into positives. I really don't keep secrets from you as I have always been open and honest about what I write, but the "issues" I am talking about are not mine, so as not to intrude on the privacy of others, I will not talk about them here. I only mention them to you now, as an explanation and so you would understand where my focus has been lately, but all seems to be coming back to what I call my "new normal". About time!! I had a Dr. Nair appt a few weeks ago and having had done the joyful "pee pee" thing the week prior to the appt. I was anxious to see him and go over the results as well as having my bloodwork done at the office, to see what was up with everything in my body these days. GOOD NEWS FRIENDS!! The pee pee contained not even one ugly little MM cell. NONE. NADA. ZILCH. ZERO. I am so proud of my body I just can't stand it!! It has done such a terrific job engrafting all of those little baby stem cells they put back into me. They all did their job and went to their assigned stations and started to work as soon as they arrived! How much better can that be? Dr. Nair and I spoke for quite awhile, and he told me that I am his BEST result ever in Multiple Myeloma treatment. He said that it is quite common to be in "remission" but test results will detect trace amounts of MM cells, and I have none. In cancer talk there are various categories of remission......the top 2 being called Complete Remission which means no cells to be found and the next category down is called Partial Remission...which means they can't find any active MM cells, but they do detect some MM cells. I am just so very fortunate that I have taken so well to the treatment of first the Revlamid and Dex to prepare for the BMT, and then the BMT itself. I know in my heart that I could not have done this alone.....my medical team, the hospital team, my family, my friends, and to all of you and people who I have never even met, praying for me and my recovery. It's really unfathomable and overwhelming when I think about it. I am truly the most fortunate and grateful person alive. Instead of fighting for the right to live my life, I've been given the chance to actually live it once again. How awe inspiring! It makes me cry when I think about it really. To literally face death and being given the opportunity to be able to walk away from it makes me really re-assess who I am, what I should do, where I'm going, and so many many more things. I meditate every day and also pray for guidance and strength. It's all still so much a work in progress.....the way I feel about my remission and what I will do to make the world a better place. When I first got home from my BMT I was seeing Dr. Nair once a week for the 1st 2 months, and then "graduated" to every other week for awhile, and then to once a month and at this last visit, he said that he only wanted to see me every other month now. EEEEEEEEEEK!! My doctor is slowly cutting the umbilical cord! He laughed when I told him that but it's true really. There is a bit of anxiety associated with the fact that you are not seeing your doctor as often. Of course it's a GREAT thing, but when you think about it, I have been seeing him basically, except for a few months, once week since April of 2007!! That's a long time. We have a relationship. So now the little bird (me) is slowly being nudged to the end of the nest and looking down and seeing how far it is from the top of the tree and wondering if I really do have the wings to fly. Him and his staff have supported me and been there for me through the worst of times. I know it must be gratifying for him to "discharge" patients as that means they are well enough to only come back for annual checkups which of course is ultimately my goal as well. It's this middle ground I'm still feeling my way around. Kinda like being a teenager I guess. Not a child and not a grown up yet. Yep....that's me for now :)

Everything's Gonna be Allright.....

Wow......it's been almost 4 weeks since I have written, yet it seems like decades ago! Why does time seem to pass so quickly in some instances, and yet in other instances, just seems to crawl slowly? I suppose it depends on the situation and the person involved. Not writing has not sat well with me, and so once again, it has come to my attention that indeed I am a writer.....a list maker.....a note taker.....anything having to do with pen and paper (or here a keyboard) must have my name on it! So very much has happened in these short past 4 weeks that it's hard to figure out how to fill you in. Firstly, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with family and friends and that the New Year brings nothing but health and happiness for all. The beginning of a New Year always represents a "new" beginning. Of course we all know that each new day is really a new beginning, but the written calender is a concrete reminder when we actually have to turn the page and start writing a brand new number on the checks we write! Most people tend to make "resolutions"....ways they feel they can better themselves in this brand new year. Stop smoking.....lose weight.....exercise......those I guess being the most common, yet I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions. I've always kinda thought they were a set up for failure actually. People tend to be really tuned in to the resolutions for the first few weeks, and then the ole' behaviors kick back in and the next thing you know....oooops.....there goes my resolutions. Then you start to beat yourself up for not being able to keep the promises you made to yourself and that in turn, leads to self defeating talk, negative emotions, low self esteem etc etc. Truthfully, I can't be bothered with all that nonsense. If it works for you I say....hooray...go for it, but in my experience it usually doesn't turn out that way. I belong to the "one day at a time club" (no, I'm not in recovery....unless of course you want to count cancer), but it only makes sense to me to literally take one day at a time for your goal setting frame of mind. If you look long term....well, that's a long time. But one day is only one day....24 hours...so the time frame is pretty manageable in my book to set and meet any goal. I don't even like it when I make my "to-do" list for the day and don't cross off all that's on my list! But how could I really? Some tasks, goals, whatever you want to call them, perhaps took longer than I thought they would. Maybe if it was a cleaning task I set for myself, I ran out of (fill in the blank) and couldn't finish it. Life is not concrete. Life is an ebb and flow. Life changes literally from minute to minute, so how can you possibly tie yourself up into something not leaving room for any deviations? So that's why I'm not a resolution person but I AM a big goal person......setting goals is awesome......completing them even awesome-er (spell check that why don't cha LOL) but don't beat yourself up if your goal is not met TODAY. Remember.....EVERY DAY is a new beginning....not just January 1st.

All's Quiet on the "Southern" Front....

How was everyone's Christmas? I hope that ya'll had an awesome holiday celebrating with family and friends. This morning I went from a houseful of people to just me and the dogs! Very quiet now, except of course for the occasional barking when the dogs get a wild hair to get crazy or when they spot a squirrel in the yard! Kate, Dicky, Chris and Sarah and then Kevin and both our girls left for the Palm Beaches this morning, where they all live. As I told you, it was my year for xmas so everyone came up here to celebrate and they left today as everyone has a ton of stuff to do. First I want to wish my "Baby Sawah", my niece Sarah, a very happy birthday today.....she's the "baby" of the family and time just flies by when I realize she is now 23! She's having a shindig tonite (isn't that what we do in our 20's? LOL) so they have to get ready for that today so they wanted to hit the road pretty early as it's a 2 1/2 hour drive to Jupiter. Kevin and Ashley and Lindsay left for WPB too as they're going to Kevin's house for a few days since Linz is in from Vegas and wants to see her other Grandma and other family members, while she was at least in the same state! They'll be back on Monday afternoon and stay here until Linz and Anthony head back to Vegas on NY's Eve. They'll get back to Sin City sometime in the afternoon in plenty of time to get home, shower, chill and then go out for NY eve celebrating! Kinda cool to be spending NY eve in Vegas, as either NY or Vegas is "the place to be" on NY eve if you like the party thing goin on. Me? Shit....I'm lucky if I stay up late enough to see the ball drop anymore! LOL Guess my partyin days are over rover!! But who knows what the future holds.....hey....I might hook up with a handsome, rich man some day and get a second wind for NY eve.....hey , stop laughing.....you never know!
We had a wonderful Christmas this year, and I am and always have been, the "designated" prayer person, and I tried to make it short and sweet, but had to spend a minute or two on how grateful I am to see another Xmas, and how everyone sitting at the table with me, was responsible for getting me through that time in my life. I tried not to cry, but did a little, as the feelings about that run so deep. On Christmas Day it was exactly 28 weeks since my transplant. It's funny that some days it feels like it was sooooooo long ago and on other days, it feels like it was just like yesterday......I wonder how/why things are like that? I'm sure you know the feeling about something that has happened in your own life. I just know that every day I have IS a gift and I just want to scream that from the tops of the world, to remind people that you only have today, as there are no guarantees for the rest, so stop and enjoy....let the little things that bug you roll off your back and don't give them a 2nd thought, be kind, be grateful, be calm and just remember the Serenity Prayer (short version: if you can do something about it....do it and if you can't....let it go). I've posted some Christmas photos of me and the family....and a dog or 2 snuck in too :) Be back soon!

To all a Good Day.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS

You are all in my thoughts and prayers this wonderful Christmas Day!

Much Love, Peace and Wonder.....

Santy Claus is Almost Here.....

This will be my last entry until after Christmas, as I don't see myself having any spare minutes to write much until after all of the festivities are over. So I sit here and "talk" to you with a hot cup of coffee (on my second one) and the morning paper 1/2 read, (I'll get back to it) and my laptop where else but on my lap (boy they named them appropriately, didn't they?...LOL).....because I had the urge to write. This is a really special time of year for me. I have always LOVED Christmas....my family has always been big on Christmas.....so maybe it's genetic. I love EVERYTHING about it.......the tree.... the music.....the wrapping paper......the sparkles.....the (somewhat) cold weather, and today the HIGH will be 60 and low's 40 (YAY), but I hear Christmas Day will be back into the low 80's ......and that's a BAH HUMBUG. Oh yeah, I lost track of all the things I love about Christmas, but what I love the most is the togetherness......the family time.....the laughter......the games/cards/fun.......and the giving to each other. The thoughtfulness that goes into each gift given is important in our family, but of course we do give our share of "joke" gifts too, which I'll tell you about AFTER we open up presents! I am feeling that this is a landmark Christmas for me for some reason. Maybe it's because the last 2 have been so miserable and this Christmas feels the way it used to feel. I really have no other reason to feel that this is so special....except of course, we have all had a helluva year, thanks to me :) so we do have a special reason to be grateful and thankful and to celebrate the Universe this Christmas. I just want to take this time right now to thank EVERYONE in my life (some of you I know and some I have never met),for being so supportive and loving and caring and concerned this past year. I am now 7 months POST Bone Marrow Transplant, and without all of your thoughts and prayers and support, I know I could not have done it. Every email you send, regular card, e-card, comment on my blog.....whatever....translates into a pat on the back or I hear "go get em Jan" when I get them, and in turn it makes me smile knowing I have you in my corner rooting me on, which then in turn increases all those healing endorphins that make me stay strong and determined to fight any way I can. So THANK YOU.......You are all my gift, for which I am thankful this season. To change the subject just a hair.....HA...I crack myself up......I am posting photos of the "new do" I've got goin on, as some of you ask about how my hair is doing (like it has a life of it's own.....LOL).....so I'm going to post some photos taken yesterday of me (Linz took them) and of the house all Christmassy. May you have a wonderful, blessed Christmas and I'll talk to you again between Christmas and New Year's.
Love and Peace to All